For the last...hmmm I'm not sure how long it's been. For awhile now I've been more than a little off. Oh ha ha, not my normal off thank you much!
I've thought I've gotten ahold of it a time or two, only to discover I was wrong.
I don't want to say "it hasn't been easy" because I think that is probably a lie. It's pretty easy to jump into a hole and let the darkness consume you. The difficult part is climbing back up out of it.
I think that I can safely say, after yesterday, I am well on my way back out. Or, at the very least, I sure hope so. I do feel better than I have in awhile. I actually feel like going back out into the garden verses hiding away from it, so that has to be a plus right? Right! I think I will today. Test the waters so to speak. See if things feel back in line for me.
I guess sometimes we just need to be able to cry and allow the other person to comfort us without being embarrassed by our emotions. Something I know, but will likely always have a difficult time with. Especially when I know those tears cause him pain. But he made it all better like he said he would so....next time (as I have no doubt there will be a next time, we're dealing with me after all) I just gotta tell myself to believe and not fight it. LOL, I actually feel like a large enough weight has been lifted that I might just sprout wings and fly. Time to play catch up with everything I've lagged behind in and return to being all "adorable" again, I suppose. ((Bah! Why is my playlist all screwed up? Sting does NOT rap damnit!! *makes a mental note to fix that*))
I love you Sweetheart. Forever and ever and then some. Maybe even a little after that. *grins and twirls amongst the flowers*
Don't laugh! The Little Mermaid rocks!!! Everyone should watch it and then "kiss the girl" at the appropriate time!!
No, the song isn't "Kiss Da Girl" from The Little Mermaid. Of course, that'd be known if only the time to click play was bothered with. Bah!
So the fantasmical mood has self-destructed pretty efficiently. I'm doing my best to corral it back in place, but an apathetic side to me says to "fuck it all" and go down good and hard. Nothing like a complete bottoming out to shake things up, right? I can't afford that though. I have to recognize the bouncing back isn't as easy now. And the physical toll is much more difficult to deal with.
The plus side is I've not given in to the drinking....yet. I say "yet" because there's still plenty of wine in there if I choose to. It's tempting. It's really tempting. The fact that he'll buy it up cause I say, "Oh a glass of red wine's really good for you. Plus recent studies shows it really helps women my age relax!" is laughable in a sad little way. In fact, in my sick little mind I'm somewhat tempted to just go into total self-destruction mode to see how far I can get before he says "enough's enough." There's something so wrong with that line of thinking.
I really need to water in the morning. I didn't this morning. Gah, that's almost abusive like..my behavior. I continue to feel guilty towards the neglect I've given the plants and yet I don't really straighten my butt up either.
Bleh, I should just check myself into a moody artist's island for psychos and be done with it. I'd probably enjoy it too much though and then that'd just be sick, wouldn't it? Why oh why can I feel like I do right now when not even 12 hours ago I was on cloud nine? Nothing big's really happened to change it.
I have really got to stop it. I really, really do. Double bleh.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
