|For My brother, Ron (1961-2017) RIP|
March 19, 2017
I know you can hear this and I know you will feel this huge love that I hold in my heart for you, that I've always held for you (and for all of our siblings!) You and I have always held a close bond and though we had our differences at times, always, always I knew that you loved me and that I loved you and we still have that love and it comforts me.
I just have to get used to you being in the non-physical and I continually tell myself that you are in a far better place, out of all pain. I know you are surrounded by an enormous amount of love where you are now. And I feel your love for me and for your daughter, for your sweet Carol who you always loved even after you both split up, for all of our other siblings who love you too.
I keep thinking of the good and wonderful soul that you were on this earth, the kindness you showed for others. The many times you went to the aide of someone else even after you became so sick...remember that time I was bringing you home from one of your doctor appointments? We pulled into your parking lot and you noticed one of your elderly neighbors sitting in his car with the door wide open, his cane resting near by and you simply HAD to go over to check on him. You could barely walk yourself, were having such a hard time breathing and yet, you insisted on going to see if he was okay. Before I could say anything, off you went, hobbling along. Turns out he was just resting after trying to fix something on his car and you told him you'd call a friend to come help him soon. I assume that's just what you did when you got back to your apartment too.
I remember all the times you would call me to check on me when there was a tornado watch, or whenever we had an earthquake you'd call and make sure I was okay. I'll miss those calls, but I know you'll still be checking in on me from your new realm...
I remember the time you took me with you to the Flea Market several years ago when you were setting up to sell things out there to help make ends meet. I got a little bored waiting on the customers to show up that morning, so decided to stroll around the flea market and check out what the other vendors had for sale. I stopped and chatted with alot of the folks who were selling things and when they found out I was your sister, I often heard, "Ronnie is YOUR brother?!" And then they'd try to give me something for free and tell me, "I have to tell you, that Ronnie is one of the finest guys out here, man. He's helped me so many times!" Then they'd tell a story about how you loaned them a tool, or loaned them money when times were rough and one guy even told me that you came and lifted a trailer off him when he was under it and it fell. He says that you probably saved his life. Every single person I met that knew you had something nice to say about you, Bro. They all talked about you as if you were a King and I remember feeling so proud of you, Ron. Not only did I leave there that day with some free items that your fellow vendors insisted on giving me, but I also left with a wonderful sense of pride in my little brother who I already knew was a damn nice guy. Hearing others exclaim over your kindnesses and generosity just warmed my heart even more.
I know towards the end of your physical life you were in so much pain and I know you often lashed out in anger at the ones who loved you most, but that last day you were alive in this realm you told me, "I'm sorry for the times I sounded so mean and cranky with you, sis--you know it was the pain, right? I thank you for all that you've been doing for me. I just want you to know I appreciate everything." Those words are gifts I will forever treasure, my dear little brother. I love you so very much, Ron and miss you terribly, but I will always envision you watching over all of us and living free of pain now and rejoicing in the amazing love that surrounds you in your new realm of the non-physical. I know you are one of our angels now. And I could hear your words come through as I wrote this poem:
Though I am no longer in this physical world,
please know that I am ever near
I am the beautiful songbird
singing in your ear--
I am the white billowy cloud
that goes floating by--
I am the trees reaching for the sky--
I am the water flowing along
in the rivers, the lakes, the creek
I am the earth, the wind brushing past your cheek--
I am that butterfly that lands
almost on your nose--
I am that blooming bud
of a delicate rose--
You see, my child--
I'm not far from you--
please know that I am ever near
please know too that I will always hear
your thoughts, your joys, your sadness too--
though I am no longer in this physical world,
always know that my love lives on for you.
I have no doubt that my brother, Ronnie is right here with us in spirit and will always be ever near. We were so very blessed to have him to love and share his journey with us. I love you, bro. I always have and I always will.
I wish so much I could write it all down...the feelings, the sorrow, the joys, the regrets, the wonders, the delights...When someone you love dearly dies and moves on to the next realm, it is so hard to convey to others what goes on inside our heads/our hearts/our souls. All I know is I will someday find a way to smile again, to rejoice in this life, but for now I feel so alone in this. Thank you to those who have reached out. I am so incredibly blessed!