Today is December 16, 2017
Join Now! | Home | Sign in | FAQ | Help
Taking it From the TOP by WriteItOnMyHeart
 
March 2017
19For My brother, Ron (1961-2017) RIP
20Goodbye for Now...
23What If?
24UPDATE on this thing that is my life... Round 2?
27I Asked the Universe/God & got my Answer!
30Heart Storm


December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
December 2014
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
February 2010
April 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007

UPDATE on this thing that is my life... Round 2?
March 24, 2017

Well, these last few days have been some of the most disturbing, difficult and frightening days of my life...I have been wondering of late...is this the norm now? Am I somehow bringing all this chaos into my existence??? It's crazy.

First off, thankfully my little pup is doing much better. He was having huge difficulty breathing Wednesday evening and all through the night and was clearly in huge pain and I was so worried that now I'm facing something wrong with my dog's lungs...(my brother's lung cancer being so fresh in my mind)--but it turns out he has a bronchial infection and got a steroid shot and is being treated with antibiotics and already he is back to running and playing and being a cute little ornery guy (thank you, angels!) Angelic innocence Angelic innocence

But also on Wednesday, my sweet Blue Eyes had a follow up scan which we thought was going to be his ALL CLEAR scan and we were fully expecting to get the good news and then start planning our future. He and I have been talking about getting remarried (he was my first true love, my first husband out of highschool), but didn't want to make any real plans til we got his all clear from his oncologist...

What is it they say about "best laid plans?"...The news was NOT good. Seems that tiny spot they found on B.E.'s right lung in December was growing by leaps and bounds these last few months and went from the size of a tiny pea to the size of just a little bigger than a nickel (which is significant) especially when the mass is sitting on his right lung and just a mere .5 centimeter away from his heart. The oncologist said it was most likely his colon cancer having spread, but there was a tiny, tiny chance it could be some other form of cancer. In order to treat this new growth, it needs to be biopsied--but here is the kicker: The mass is too close to his heart to be safely needle biopsied--there's a risk of the needle puncturing his lung (Surprised!) or his heart--both of which could be life threatening scenarios. But we need to know which cancer it is for sure to be able to treat it with the proper chemotherapy concoction...

...so, B.E. is being referred to a cardio-thoracic surgeon who specializes in lung/heart surgeries/transplants, etc. But before the surgeon will agree to do anything, B.E. has to have a breathing test to see what his breathing/lung capacity is. We have an appt. for the test on Monday and I think we go into consult with the surgeon the next day and then we will know what comes next...

We are both gobsmacked and frightened, but trying to stay strong and to believe that all will be okay. I know I do not have time to sit around and bemoan things...I am still reeling from the loss of my little bro and still missing him terribly, but now my focus has to be on my true love and to make sure he sees the strong and capable woman that I am. I love him so very much. He let slip that he is truly frightened this time around and worries that there are just so many risks. Any surgery is a huge risk to B.E. simply because of his artificial heart valve and the meds he has to take to keep his valve working properly. When he undergoes surgery, he has to inject himself for several days before and after with a special drug to keep his blood from being too thick or too thin...it's a crazy balancing act. He HATES those injections, but I know he'll do whatever it takes to beat this...

A dear friend reminded me to keep trust in our medical team and I am thankful for that reminder. I know B.E. is in good hands and that he will have the best of care. I have to keep reminding myself that the care my brother received with no insurance (and a whole different health care team) is not even close to the stellar care that B.E. will get. Even so...a creepy little voice inside my head keeps whispering..."it's on his lung, it's on his lung!" Thankfully, B.E. has not smoked in years and never was a heavy smoker when he did smoke, so that's a GOOD thing. My brother continued to smoke even after he was diagnosed until he got so bad he couldn't even draw a single puff from those damn cancer sticks! My heart aches every time I remember the suffering my bro endured and I cannot even allow myself to imagine B.E. ever going through something like that! No No No!!!

So, we wait for the appointments next week and we stay strong and we BELIEVE that ALL WILL INDEED BE WELL.

And here is the poem I wrote yesterday that helps remind me every time I read this that we WILL make it through:

Round 2?

Wondering if it's selfish of me to hope for relief?
I keep thinking today is the day
I'll end this grief--
yet each new day brings something new
and now we have more fears to look into
a suspicious spot taking root on my love's right lung
and this after having chemo and the bell had been rung!
We were supposed to be getting the words, "you're all free and clear!"
Instead we're looking at scans in disbelief as we hear,
"It might be a new cancer, but most likely it's not--
it's that same damn colon cancer" -- trying to rob and rot
and steal the healthy tissues inside of my true love
and I want to shout and rant and rage to all above
and wonder why, oh why must we now face this????
Am I not allowed even a few moments of bliss???
We've been talking of marriage, but waiting to hear
that my true love was finally free and clear--
but now we're back into yet another fight
and don't misunderstand, I'll go after this cancer
with all of my might
and he will too---I promise you that right now
and let me say this, (my solemn vow):
We're going to win, damn you cancer all to hell
and once again, we're going to ring that huge chemo bell!
We'll walk away intact and rejoicing in our love
and you angels and gods up above?
Just get ready to see what determination, love and dedication can do
and know that my true love and I will most assuredly make it through!!!
©Pamela Rae 03.23.2017





 
Login to select
your favorite journals

PrevTopNext
 
 

Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2017 by My-Journal.com
© Journal Content Copyright 2017 by the Author
 
Terms of Service Agreement
 
Privacy Policy