|UPDATE on this thing that is my life... Round 2?|
March 24, 2017
Well, these last few days have been some of the most disturbing, difficult and frightening days of my life...I have been wondering of late...is this the norm now? Am I somehow bringing all this chaos into my existence??? It's crazy.
First off, thankfully my little pup is doing much better. He was having huge difficulty breathing Wednesday evening and all through the night and was clearly in huge pain and I was so worried that now I'm facing something wrong with my dog's lungs...(my brother's lung cancer being so fresh in my mind)--but it turns out he has a bronchial infection and got a steroid shot and is being treated with antibiotics and already he is back to running and playing and being a cute little ornery guy (thank you, angels!)
But also on Wednesday, my sweet Blue Eyes had a follow up scan which we thought was going to be his ALL CLEAR scan and we were fully expecting to get the good news and then start planning our future. He and I have been talking about getting remarried (he was my first true love, my first husband out of highschool), but didn't want to make any real plans til we got his all clear from his oncologist...
What is it they say about "best laid plans?"...The news was NOT good. Seems that tiny spot they found on B.E.'s right lung in December was growing by leaps and bounds these last few months and went from the size of a tiny pea to the size of just a little bigger than a nickel (which is significant) especially when the mass is sitting on his right lung and just a mere .5 centimeter away from his heart. The oncologist said it was most likely his colon cancer having spread, but there was a tiny, tiny chance it could be some other form of cancer. In order to treat this new growth, it needs to be biopsied--but here is the kicker: The mass is too close to his heart to be safely needle biopsied--there's a risk of the needle puncturing his lung (!) or his heart--both of which could be life threatening scenarios. But we need to know which cancer it is for sure to be able to treat it with the proper chemotherapy concoction...
...so, B.E. is being referred to a cardio-thoracic surgeon who specializes in lung/heart surgeries/transplants, etc. But before the surgeon will agree to do anything, B.E. has to have a breathing test to see what his breathing/lung capacity is. We have an appt. for the test on Monday and I think we go into consult with the surgeon the next day and then we will know what comes next...
We are both gobsmacked and frightened, but trying to stay strong and to believe that all will be okay. I know I do not have time to sit around and bemoan things...I am still reeling from the loss of my little bro and still missing him terribly, but now my focus has to be on my true love and to make sure he sees the strong and capable woman that I am. I love him so very much. He let slip that he is truly frightened this time around and worries that there are just so many risks. Any surgery is a huge risk to B.E. simply because of his artificial heart valve and the meds he has to take to keep his valve working properly. When he undergoes surgery, he has to inject himself for several days before and after with a special drug to keep his blood from being too thick or too thin...it's a crazy balancing act. He HATES those injections, but I know he'll do whatever it takes to beat this...
A dear friend reminded me to keep trust in our medical team and I am thankful for that reminder. I know B.E. is in good hands and that he will have the best of care. I have to keep reminding myself that the care my brother received with no insurance (and a whole different health care team) is not even close to the stellar care that B.E. will get. Even so...a creepy little voice inside my head keeps whispering..."it's on his lung, it's on his lung!" Thankfully, B.E. has not smoked in years and never was a heavy smoker when he did smoke, so that's a GOOD thing. My brother continued to smoke even after he was diagnosed until he got so bad he couldn't even draw a single puff from those damn cancer sticks! My heart aches every time I remember the suffering my bro endured and I cannot even allow myself to imagine B.E. ever going through something like that! !!!
So, we wait for the appointments next week and we stay strong and we BELIEVE that ALL WILL INDEED BE WELL.
And here is the poem I wrote yesterday that helps remind me every time I read this that we WILL make it through:
Wondering if it's selfish of me to hope for relief?
I keep thinking today is the day
I'll end this grief--
yet each new day brings something new
and now we have more fears to look into
a suspicious spot taking root on my love's right lung
and this after having chemo and the bell had been rung!
We were supposed to be getting the words, "you're all free and clear!"
Instead we're looking at scans in disbelief as we hear,
"It might be a new cancer, but most likely it's not--
it's that same damn colon cancer" -- trying to rob and rot
and steal the healthy tissues inside of my true love
and I want to shout and rant and rage to all above
and wonder why, oh why must we now face this????
Am I not allowed even a few moments of bliss???
We've been talking of marriage, but waiting to hear
that my true love was finally free and clear--
but now we're back into yet another fight
and don't misunderstand, I'll go after this cancer
with all of my might
and he will too---I promise you that right now
and let me say this, (my solemn vow):
We're going to win, damn you cancer all to hell
and once again, we're going to ring that huge chemo bell!
We'll walk away intact and rejoicing in our love
and you angels and gods up above?
Just get ready to see what determination, love and dedication can do
and know that my true love and I will most assuredly make it through!!!
©Pamela Rae 03.23.2017