February 5, 2009
Last night I chatted to Jason (online dating site guy) for a bit. I had a few things to do as did he so he said he would pop on line later or text me to see if I was able to talk. So I did what I had to do and next thing I know it was nearly 10. I checked the computer and he was not on so I logged off and went to bed. This morning I had a text message sent to me last night about 10:15 from him asking If I was still up. Obviously I had turned off my phone. Then when I signed online this morning there was a message from him telling me the new software he was trying to install blah blah blah crashed his computer and he was so sorry and wanted to talk to me and hoped I was not upset. Uhm OK. I sent him a message telling him it was fine not to worry. Then I left for Movie Maker client for the day. I had a good day there. She praised me for my attention to detail and told me she feels so much better knowing that I am handling all this "stuff". She was telling a friend/client of hers about me and he asked her to introduce us by email since she did not have my card on her. YaY! The guy emailed me this afternoon and I am just waiting to see what day and time next week works for him. I came home and dealt with some work "fires". As I was wrapping up things Yummy popped on line. We chatted for a bit. It was a nice chat. He has a great sense of humor and yet he is the kind of guy that can and will pound out a song or poem. Anyways I told him I was coloring my hair tonight, watching Greys and The Practice then going to bed. He was cool with that. Not all clingy and crap. We firmed up plans for our movie date tomorrow and that was that. I am looking forward to it. I am not at all nervous which strikes me as odd since it has been sometime since I had a real first date let alone a semi-blind date. Maybe the nerves will hit tomorrow but I doubt it. I think I am just at a point in my life where I don't sweat this kind of stuff. People will either like me or not and either way is fine. I mean of course I am concerned about what to wear and whether or not I will have a good hair and make-up day or not but beyond that who cares. I worry about those same things when I go to meet a new client. Tom wanted to come over tomorrow and I told him I had plans. He asked no more questions but there was change in his voice. I felt bad but damn it is not like we have not discussed "us" a million times. We both know it is what it is and in all likelihood will never be more. I will not sit around being content with what has become "our" status quo. We talk on the phone a few times a week and see each other every couple of weeks on average for a day or so. Sometimes I really enjoy his company (if he has not been drinking and he actually can have intelligent cnversation about something besides sports). Most the time thought I feel like we just filling each others empty time. Which is fine if we accept we are just friends and leave the doors open for other relationships but when I tell him I have other plans there is a change. Like I said I have really doubtful this date tomorrow will turn into some big love affair so that is not even the issue. I am going to date...period. Even if I have to force myself to get out more when I would rather just sit at home and read a book. At the very least I will meet new people and maybe some new friends to fill some of my down time. I just want more from my social life. I suspect another talk with Tom is coming (eye roll). It is tough. I care deeply for him, I love that he loves me just the way I am and accepts me along with my unconventional blended families and I know he would do just about anything I asked him to do...but he is not someone I see myself setting up forever with. He knows this too that is what baffles and irritates me. Why would any person stick around just to get what they can while they can when they know in their hearts and the other person has said "we are not compatible as more than we are"? I don't get it. I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend and guess that combined with the fact that he is that social safety net (someone to do things with when everyone else is doing things with their SO). I know I could just cut the cord but I know that would be it and I don't want to lose his frienship. Gawd why did I ever cross that line with him?