February 23, 2009
I really only have a few minutes before I have to head off to see clients this morning but wanted to break down the weekend.
Yummy came over about 7. We went to dinner. We then hit a local corner bar for a couple drinks and the spectacle of Kareoke (sp?). He sang. He has a nice voice. I did not because I have a voice that only the my shower walls can appreciate. We came back to my house and started to watch a movie he had brought over. We had hot hot hot marathon sex. We went to sleep. He hogged the damn bed. Yeah I know he is 6 foot 3 and I have to expect a little less room but he layed diagnonal! He snored! The bonus's of the night besides the "make my panties wet just thinking about it" sex was the fact that his company throughout the night was really enjoyable and the way he stays off me when I am trying to sleep but has a foot or a hand touching me. When I awake and turn over in the night or morning he scoops me up into him but not in a confining way. I fit well and it feels warm, safe...you ladies know what I am talking about.
I had anticipated him leaving in the morning and I was just going to meet him out at this big family party thing later. However, snow over night convinced him he should just wait for me to do my work and we ride together since have a 4X4. So he did. We arrived at the hotel in the town about a hour away at about 5:30. I thought it was odd at first that he would want to take me to this thing but after meeting his family I understand it was not a big deal. Not a "meet the parents" kind of thing. Although I did meet his parents, siblings, cousins, Aunts, Uncles and every other relation as well as some freinds of the family. They are very nice people that very down to earth. The were welcoming and nice. It was not weird at all. I had a good time. Of course some more circus like sex to top off the evening.
We got up and ate breakfast. Made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone. We took the scenic route back to my house stopping at his parents because he has to drop something off to his Mom. He then proceeded to show me family portraits on the wall. The place he grew up is a beautiful valley. We then stopped at his house so he could pick up a water heater part to return it. We watched a episode of Burn Notice, had a quickie across the breakfast and came back to my house. He left. He was going to go drive another hour and 20 mins to see his daughter.
Gotta run...more later
Ok so...I had a great time with him this weekend even though it turned into literally the weekend which I was not hoping for or planning for. None the less, it was pretty easy and enjoyable. The more time I spend with him the more I tend to like him. That freaks me out. Of course I want to like him but it is alot safer if that like is nicely counter balanced with "turn offs". It was until this weekend. See this weekend he did not answer his phone or seem distracted. His focus was on the time we were having. I mean I am still more than aware that he is newly out of a long term relationship that involves a child. I get that I am probably just a rebound girl or the girl that opens his ex's eyes and brings them back together (I have been this girl before). So I still have enough "knowledge aka fear" to keep myself in check. It was touch and go there for a awhile but luckily at the right moment he brought up the ex and reminded me of how she and he are still playing the game. How he jumps when she says so he can see his daughter. It clears my head and keeps things real.
Tom was out of town this weekend and when he returned last night he called me. We had our usual chatter about his weekend etc. He asked me how my weekend was and I told him it was fine. He asked if I had gone out at all I said yes. Now normally the conversation would stop there when I do not offer details. This time he asked what I did. I paused and said "well truth...I went out on a date". He got quiet. He asked with who and I told him I was not doing this. I am not obligated to be accountable to him or give him details. He said fine then asked if I had a good time. I answered yes. He said good. Then silence. I asked him if that was all he had to say about that? He said well what else can I say, you can do whatever you want with whoever you want and I know that. So OK I move on to something else but he remains semi-pissy. I told him to say what he is thinking or feeling and he tells me he knew that the option was there and it was fine. I said well apparently it was only fine as long as you were sure I was not dating anyone else. It was fine because you were not dating anyone else. It was fine because you are overly complacent and believing you had what you wished for without making it happen. He was silent and the conversation ended shortly after that. I just got off the phone with him, it was a long conversation. In a nut shell he tried to convince me he could and would change if I would simply commit to him...he would make the changes for "us". I know how well that works and no way. I know he loves me and I do love him but I cannot see myself with him for the rest of my life, he can. He has been armed with all the information he has needed in order to make his wish a reality he just chose not to use it or make any changes...until now when he feels the heat and fears losing me all together because being ONLY friends is not a option for him at this point. That is what he says and it may be true but I think he knows that his friendship means more to me than anything else, except for my child and my own happiness. He knows his friendship is very important to me. I told him again I was not going to be the glue that holds him together, I was not going to be the police and the only adult in my next committed relationship, I know what I can and will bend on and I know what I can't and won't. I can't give him what he wants at this point and I do not think he has it him to do what would need to be done on his own in order to make it happen. Love is not enough, not for me, not anymore. After going around and around he realized as he should have years ago that I am firm in my convictions so essentially the ball is in his court. He says he does not know if he can knowingly share me. I get that but I always abide by the rule of do not ask questions unless you are prepared for all possible answers. I never ask for more than I am prepared to hear. He could do the same but as he said he is not wired that way, he cannot casually date and although that is exactly what we have been doing it never seemed like it and I will take my fair share of the blame for that. Sure I would remind him of the reality, I would even hint I was going on a date (he never dug deeper than what I offered up) but then things just slid back to where they were. One night a weekend and a few calls a week. Then he asked if he could see me this weekend. I asked what night and he said ALL of them. I told him that I did not think it was a good idea because he needs to figure out if he can do this and tryng to be sneaky about monopolizing my time and sliding into old patterns is not a solution or moving forward one way or another. I feel like crap about all this but it also makes me angry that it took this for him to fucking wake up. I knew it woudl be the case and I knew he would all of the sudden be willing to move the moon and stars for me in order to keep me on his terms. If he would have only chosen to curb his drinking, his gambling, smoking and actually manage his money instead of the other way around even 6 months ago, for himself, it would probably be different. This whole thing breaks my heart and despite the fact I been nothing but 110% honest with him I feel guilty.
Apparently D's girlfriend in Florida broke up with him and he needs to unburden his tainted soul. He called today to ask if I could spare a couple hours one night this week and go over to his place to talk. Fine. I have seen this before and I prepared for it. No doubt now that he is alone and all his options are gone for the time being he will try to be the person everyone thinks he is for a bit and he will want insight from me and then he will go back to the "we should have never split up" bit. I so do not need this but I will relish in telling him what a jack ass he is for doing this crap yet again to two perfectly decent woman.
Kiddo went into the ditch Saturday morning due to snow. He was driving his dads truck and although he missed the semi truck that was next to him he did hit a wire guard rail. His dad was pissed even though the police determined it was not anything Kiddo did that caused it and actually his actions prevented the possibility of a much worse outcome. His dad's truck sustained 10G in body damage. The whole driver side of his truck was raked by the wire guard rail. I swear that kid is going to be the death of me. I cannot handle those calls "I'm OK but..." I suppose it beats the alternative by far. OK I won't complain about getting those calls.
Yummy called tonight also but I did not answer. I already guessed he would be going to see his daughter today after work and there is no point in getting into a conversation with him when it will only be 5 mins long.