March 11, 2018
i have been giving a lot of thought to what work lay ahead of me in the months ahead. i need to find a path, a new path of living. Right now, at best i am surviving.
i have been content these past many years i have been sick to be a "survivor". That put me ahead of thousands Big Pharma has killed with its poison antibiotics Levaquin & Cipro. Besides, any energy or life leftover in me was for taking care of others.
Somewhere along the line i forgot, or maybe never knew how to live for myself. i survived for myself and lived for others. This far predates my getting sick. It has been a way of life, or maybe a way of avoiding life?
Right now life consists of mostly laying in bed and watching TV. Now and then we go out to shop, or for a Doctor's visit. We sometimes throw in a restaurant. That is more because i am unable to cook after a trip to town, than it is a date or treat.
i look back and realize i have spent most of my life avoiding living. i think maybe i was raised that way. my mother did mostly the same. She was mentally ill, but the times i can remember her being stable, life was all about taking care of us kids and Dad.
She rarely left the house, except to go to the Doctor or as a passenger with Dad when he went grocery shopping. Sound familiar? When i was small, i remember a time when Dad worked out of town and she worked the garden with us, went fishing and camping. Maybe Dad was her Toxic illness?
i only lived alone a short period of my life. A couple of years where i captained my ship alone. Some parts of that life were terribly unhealthy for me. My life revolved around my work because my work allowed me to have a life! lol That is a contradiction of terms if ever i saw one!
i was divorced then and preoccupied with sex. i was devastated by a former relationship that had ended due to my then husband cheating. i was trying to prove to myself that i was worthy of a man's bedroom attention, and hiding that fact behind a fear of relationships and commitment.
i tried to break the pattern a couple of times without success, until i met B, my now husband and love of almost 10 years. He is my rock, my anchor, and my protector. He is also my enabler, my codependent, and my best friend. i love him with every breath in my body, every beat of my heart, and every ounce of my being.
Neither of us are really living. Its been hard to do for years. We were both sick, both taking care of Dad, both broke and broken by a messed up medical and social security disability system.
Our first assignment together is going to be to define, or maybe redefine what it means to really live, not just survive. That is the goal. Then we each need to figure how to deal with the things that keep us from achieving the goal.
For me i know much of this will revolve around dealing with the past; my relationship with my Dad. For B i am not sure? i think he is ahead of me where that is concerned having dealt with his father issues years ago.
It is time for us to join the living..