February 20, 2018
I want to write something out here, but putting it into actual words is a little daunting. Lately I have been having massive anxiety attacks, heart pounding, chest pain, shaking, trouble breathing. I went to the doctor for an injury to my foot and my blood pressure was pretty high, in fact I would say it qualifies for sky high. I have also had dizzy spells and sometimes I can't even seem to see straight (literally).
Last night was a planned ladies night out with two of my closer friends. I really did not want to go at all. Usually I am looking forward to it for a long time before, but this time I was dreading it. But I went, I was late and they were already seated when I arrived. I sat down and they both looked at me and sincerely asked "Are you okay?". I said "what do you mean?". And they said from my face they could tell something was really wrong.
So I told them a little, even though I had vowed to not say anything, but they just kept asking questions. We all quickly changed the subject. The conversation was fine, but of course about half an hour after I got there, my mother called to say she needed my help because she had been sick and needed water and to get cleaned up. My sister was home, so I messaged her and she helped, but my mother wanted me. That was making my heart pound and my face turn red, I feel like I can never leave the house because something always happens with her.
I am so tearful lately at everything. I am incredibly lonely and feel so alone in my life. When I was at the doctor, the appointment was winding down and the doctor looked at me and said "Is there something you want to tell me?" In the state I am in, I began to cry, I felt completely mortified and wanted to get out of there. She asked me if I needed help, if I wanted a counseling referral. I turned it down. Honestly, when would I have time to go? Between my mother, the girls, my job, my husband, having my sister living here now as well, I do not have any luxury of time.
My husband is distant and cold, only nice when he wants something from me or rather, for himself. I have no partner... I have friends but will not burden them with all of this (at least as much as I can possibly keep it to myself).
I think I need medication or something to help stifle my heart, maybe numb me a bit to my life. That is hard to admit. I will go back to the doctor in a week or so to get my blood pressure checked, I may ask about it then.
I did do one nice thing for myself. I adopted a rescue puppy from a shelter, she is just for me. I saw her face, looked into her eyes and knew she was for me. I wasn't even really looking but my oldest daughter is working at the shelter now and sent me a photo. She is a tiny terrier mix, she is 9 weeks old now and a little ball of joy and love. She holds her own with our bigger dogs and charms anyone who meets her. So that is one good thing, I think I will end this entry with something nice.