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This Thing Called Life by Pansis
 
March 2015
5Acting Out * Edit
18Realization


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Acting Out * Edit
March 5, 2015

I went to a meeting Monday night, and today...in about two hours, I'll be meeting my affair partner.

I'm planning on acting out this morning.
Obviously, I'm making a conscious decision; I'm thinking of it, preparing for it, planning it...but there's still time to stop it.

Only I'm not going to stop it.

I WANT this to happen with him today.
I WANT to see him, to be with him, and to experience the pleasure he'll provide.

I catch myself thinking of after...of the guilt I know I'll feel...and then I stop myself from those thoughts.

I should let those thoughts wander around my mind because maybe then I'll stop this craziness and do what I know to be right.

But at this moment, I don't care.
I want what I want and am going to go after it.

Negative behavior, negative decision...nothing positive about what I'm going to do.

That said...time to get ready.

**************************************

I just got home.

Yes, I did it.
Actually, I did it with 3 men this time.
He brought friends.

Nothing new there; we've done this together countless times.

Physically, I'm exhausted.
Emotionally, I'm keeping things turned off.
But it's bubbling right under the surface. It'll come out sooner or later, but right now, I'm just not thinking about what I just did.

 
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