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My favorite word is "phenomenal" by Dean Atlas
 
July 2017
20% Cocaine
3out with the ass wipes
4poured
5stuck in a pit
7pbackspase agfain
8 never look
9breakfast joint
10super tired
11phenomenally complicated
12level 10 zen master
13internally and externally
14roller coaster of chaos
15slowly faded away
16total annihilation
17crash course
18ambidextrous
19hate being a human being
28inside me
30crazy bitches
31shit soup


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inside me
July 28, 2017

My router broke that goes to my computer and so I had no access to the internet for about a week now. I had gotten used to getting on here and I have to admit that it was pretty painful for the first couple of days not being able to write in my journal. I started keeping a journal as a writing project and now it's become a part of my nightly routine. Feels good to be back.

So what's happened since I last posted...I quit that job and have basically been soul searching ever since. I feel really bad about letting John (the owner) down but after years of washing dishes as a teenager I had some serious built up animosity that had suddenly resurfaced towards that disgustingly soggy profession. Unfortunately I had went into that job thinking I was going to be cooking, and after a couple of 8 hour shifts of sloshing around in other peoples half chewed up food I had a slight internal melt down. Oh well, I hope that someday John and I might be able to laugh at the "one week" I worked for him. I wish him the best, and I think that he's got a good thing going on there.

I've been job searching ever since but it's been pretty difficult without a computer. I can get Craigslist on my phone but that's pretty limited for job options when you live out in the boonies like I do. I'm not ready yet to face the firing squad and go and see the sweet old lady at Worksource yet. We both know that this will make 4 jobs I've been through in the past year. And the one thing I admire about her is she is brutally honest and I haven't had the strength to face that quite yet. I realize that I'm not normal, and don't quite fit in to this society, and the repercussions are definitely seen on my resume at the moment. It's really challenging trying to reinvent yourself. I was so naive to think that I was going to be able to retire as a bartender. I was really good at it. Just couldn't take all the drunken drama anymore. But the main real reason was I didn't want to be a drunk/drug addict anymore. Wish I could find a career where my customer service talents could make me the same amount of money they used to. I love being nice to people and that truly glowed when I was tending bar. But it's time to move on and let that part of my life be the chaotic 20's and 30's chapter and start writing a new plot/path for myself.

Lately when I search the job sites that help you find work I've noticed a shit ton of Truck driving jobs. Driving over the road might be a good fit for me. I have some serious gypsy blood running through my veins. By the time I was 21 I had hitch hiked from Seattle to Boston and back, and up and down both coasts. I hitched up to Niagara Falls, Spent a week in a tent in D.C. (the Smithsonian is amazing) Saw the Statue of Liberty from the top of the World Trade Center, Went to the Grand Canyon, and so on and so on...and so I went to the local community college that offers CDL classes and talked to them about what it would take for me to be able to take their class. It's been almost 10 years since I went to that school and I was pretty sure I still owed them a pile of money for loans I had acquired back then. Turns out I didn't owe them much money at all...I owed the government most of it. If I pay back the $400 dollars that I owe the school then they will let me take classes again. That's a huge relief!! Thought for sure I'd have to pay thousands of dollars to be able to go back to school. I've always planned on paying them...It's just hard when you have a failing business that's sucking every cent out of you since basically the day you left the school...Blah blah blah...I'm also talking to some of the trucking companies that offer classes and training by a mentor/tutor that I would be paired up with for a couple months for no money down. I would have to sign a contract and work off the money for the schooling but after a year or two I would have my CDL license and get the experience I would need to be hired basically anywhere. I also went to the DMV and checked on what it would take for me to get my driver license back after having it taken away from me for a DUI that I had gotten about 20 years ago. They informed me that I just needed to go and get an alcohol evaluation and if I jump through whatever hoops that entails I can have my license back. So I'm signed up for the eval on Tuesday. So it might take me a few months (maybe a year) to get the chips to land in all the right places but I think I might be on my way to finding my next career. It feels amazing to have a destination that I'm working towards. Something inside me has changed. Life doesn't seem to feel so pointless anymore. A warm light I haven't felt glow for quite a long time is starting to flicker. I'm sensing the playful momentum of a new path starting to build up around me and is getting ready to sweep me away on a new journey. I'm excited to see where this takes me.

 
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