July 21, 2004
Went grocery shopping this morning, then dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen counters, mopped the bathroom and kitchen. Then grabbed some lunch, and went to the gym.
Did the machines, then went in the pool. I'd been in about 10 mins when H announced he was done. I told him "You'll have to wait for me". He grumbled about having to get home cause he had "things to do"....but i didn't agree to get out any sooner. Told him i'd be in for another 15 mins, and stayed till then.
As we were driving home, we drove down the street the marriage counselor's on. I asked what her address is, and had he heard from her. He informed me that i have an app't with her for next Friday at 9am. (never mind that i might like to sleep in). He's going to see her tomorrow.
A couple people have left notes questioning how committed H is to the marriage, since he's seeing a counselor on one hand, and his mistress on the other. i wonder the same thing.
I'm beginning to feel like the world's biggest fool for putting up with his crap....and i'm sorely tempted to have all the locks changed while he's gone. But i won't.
I may be a fool...but i'm not stupid.
H has made significant progress on the guest room today. I wasn't as sweet and patient today...i told him i WANT IT DONE BEFORE YOU LEAVE FRIDAY.
If he's at all interested in saving this marriage, then he'd better start taking me a little more seriously...and not have this attitude that my wants don't matter. If he has time to go fuck some other woman, he has time to clean HIS crap in HIS house. i didn't say as much to him, but i think he's got the idea.
I don't care if he considers it his "penance" or the price he has to pay to play....as long as it gets done.
I'm feeling alternately angry, disgusted, despairing, depressed, scared, and back to angry. Just an endless cycle. I have no answers, and i'm not even sure of the questions.
And as always, i'm worrying more about what he's thinking, and what he might do, than i am about what I feel or I want.
I took grocery money out of his wallet today. Accidently grabbed $60 instead of $40. Later he asked me how much i'd taken. I told him $40. I figure, $40 for groceries (i spent $43)...and $20 for ME. Hell, i'm entitled to it. (and plan to take some more before he leaves for NY...if he can pay for HER to have a good weekend...he can damn well pay for ME to, as well)
I'm sure he's assuming that all this will simply "go away"....he'll keep his whore, and keep me....and i'll be quiet and good cause he pays the bills. In other words, he'll (as always) have everything his own way.
What depresses me is he's probably right. I probably WILL cave...to keep the peace, and the financial security. In which case, i'm only getting what i asked for and deserve. So, i may as well quit bitching and just shut up and let it be.
Since i don't "want" him...i shouldn't be troubled by his extra-marital relationships...no matter how obviously he flaunts them. Perhaps i should reciprocate. (but i have too much class for that) I shouldn't think of myself as a wife...just a live-in housekeeper...at least it's my house i'm keeping. I want the security. i don't expect love, or happiness....so, if that's the price, i should be happy to pay it.