|Seeing the Counselor // Conversation|
July 30, 2004
Had my first appointment with the counselor this morning. It went well, i guess. She told me something interesting...that i'd sort of known, but it was good to hear her say it.
She said H thinks that everything IS fine, since i didn't seem to have a strong reaction to his having a g/f. i told the counselor that that just shows how little he knows me, that he would assume i'm "fine", and that i do indeed have strong feelings, but throwing him out and screaming at him seemed impractical and counterproductive, if nothing else. i also said that i've never felt he supported my feelings or wanted to hear them...that i'm accustomed to dealing with things privately...and prefer it that way.
She recommended a book called The Dance of Anger (i think that was the title). She said i need to determine my "bottom lines"...what i can and cannot/will not accept. I did mention one...that i do not want my financial security jeopardized.
She suggested (as i figured she would) that i tell him i'm angry, hurt, etc., and that i do care about what he's doing. That it would be a good 'first step'.
I may try talking to him later. i want some time to sort through things. In fact, as much as i want to go to the gym, i'm tempted to send him and stay home....just so i can have some alone time.
Even going into another room isn't 'enough'...i need to be completely alone.
H suggested we go out to lunch today, to make up for Wed. I can tell he's making an effort...he even asked "how did it go?" (could he be scared of what i might've said, or what i might do?? hmmmmmm...maybe he should be). And besides suggesting lunch today, i noticed (when i went downstairs to get the wash) that H actually CLEANED in the basement yesterday!! And did a LOT, too.
Believe it or not, that means a lot to me. Maybe there's hope after all....
C, (the counselor) did say that in order to work on the marriage, he's going to have to give up the girlfriend, or it just won't work. Will he be willing/able to? Guess if the answer is no, i'll know where i stand. And that's worth knowing, too. She asked if i'm willing to work on the marriage. I said yes. I figure, if somewhere down the line, i discover i'm NOT willing...well, then we'll deal with that. But for now, i have nothing to lose. (i may not have much to gain, either, but that's another story)
She also asked if i'd be willing to work on the "romantic" aspect of our marriage. I actually laughed. WHAT "romance"?? I told her not at this point...especially not with the latest situation. I don't see myself EVER wanting a physical relationship with him, and i told her i'd be content with just being good friends/partners, more perhaps than housemates, but not lovers. It may not be what H wants....in which case, i suppose he's free to leave....but i simply can't abide even the thought of him touching me. (i didn't tell her THAT...just that i didn't see 'romance' as an option right now)
In that sense, i can understand his "need" to have a mistress (although, considering how asexual and dysfunctional he's been all these years, it IS surprising to me...and i do question whether HE wants the sex, or SHE is pushing for it....i just don't see him as a sexual being. He's just...not)
Anyway, we have an app't with her (both of us) on Wed at 5pm.
If nothing else, talking to her did help me feel "heard". And that's something. I'm still ambivalent, and a little scared of where/how all this is going to end. But i've been in it this long....may as well see it through.
In one of life's little ironies, the radio was playing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" as i drove to the app't.
Just finished "talking" to H. It was...unsatisfying. I was proud of myself. i was calm, cool, collected. Didn't get emotional at all. Didn't even shed a tear.
Told him "I'm not OK with this." And that i feel a lot of hurt and anger. He asked why i hadn't said anything, and how was he supposed to know if i didn't tell him. I said that i didn't react, because i was afraid if i DID...i'd really let him have it, and that screaming and yelling didn't seem like it would be very productive.
He agreed with that.
He asked if i wanted to work on the marriage. I said Yes. But from a few things he said, i'm not sure he feels the same. He said he 'has a lot of decisions to make about the rest of his life."
When i asked if the rest of my life had any bearing on these 'decisions', he said 'maybe, maybe not'. Then added that he supposed it would have to in some way. Hmmmmmm....
Sounds like he's already MADE his decisions (though he denied it when i asked).
He said he has a lot of hurt and anger, too...that "these things don't 'just happen'". Well, right now, i'm more concerned with MY hurt and anger, cause I'M not the one who paraded my paramour down the street. (no, i didn't say that)
i did tell him that he'd have to understand if i'm more easily annoyed than usual...that while i'm trying to act like things are 'normal', and carry on day-to-day life....i do NOT 'feel' like things are "right".
He asked where i see this going...and i was honest. Said i don't know at this point. That there's too much "stuff" to clear out first. He said he's trying to decide if this marriage is salvageable (that comment went along with his "making decisions about the rest of his life" remark)
I did say i appreciated his working on cleaning the basement, and our going out to lunch today. That it was nice that we could still laugh and have fun together. And that his cleaning the basement was good....and that right now, actions definitely are speaking louder than words to me...both positively and negatively. I did try to be positive in our conversation...i didn't blame, name-call, rant....i thought i was doing OK. But when all was said and done....i didn't feel any better. Maybe it will just take time. Maybe a neutral third-party will help.
i'm glad i have to go over to Karen's and give Ranger his shot tonight....at least i'll have a few moments alone. I can't stay long...but long enough to have a brief cry, at least. I need that.
I can't cry in front of H...and don't want to cry if he's home. It's "the worst thing i could do"
When i left the counselor's this morning, i actually had some sense of hope. After talking to H...all that's been shattered. I think i'd best prepare myself for the inevitable....
I'm strong. I'll survive this. One way or another.