July 7, 2012
Done a little thinking about things this week. Found myself obsessing about old issues again. Had to ask myself why? As I looked out the window of my shop this morning a young man hobbled down the sidewalk. He was disabled in a way that would offer many challenges in his life. Many more then I face. My life is a cake walk compared to his........so why am I dwelling on bullshit?
I think I am scared. Scared of a number of things going on in my life right now. One is the problem with my muscles. Being worried that there is more to this thing then the docs realize. Another is being alone but that is a difficult one. On the one hand I enjoy company and having someone to do things with when I want but on the other I no longer want to put out the effort to "compromise" on issues that arise in relationships. Sounds selfish in so many ways but it is what I feel. I have written about this before and still no answer.............answer to what question? I am not even sure what the question is.
What comes to mind is I have just not found someone that I am willing to put out the effort. That could be true.
Sound like I am a little scattered? Little insecure? Yup. I don't feel I have anyone to help or fall back on? Yes my son but the picture is not there of him "taking care" of me. Just can't see it. He may not feel that way but it is how I grew up. Never depended on anyone. Not parents or brothers and sisters. Just made my own way.
Now that these physical things are happening it is scary for me. Not been down this road before so the unknown is rearing it's ugly head again..........feel like I am bouncing off the walls this morning.
I know it will pass. The feelings. I know I will see a path. I know that what ever happens with my legs/muscles will happen and that is reality. Right now.....in this moment it is just difficult.
So I will see friends. I will make decisions that are good for me. I will trust my son and have faith that if I don't give up I will be okay. I will work around the shop. I will make glass and look for those moments that show me the world is a good place............and this will pass.
Things I am thankful for:
That I wrote this out today
It is Saturday and I am walking
My life is good