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I guess I have to grow up. by khh6
 
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7/7/17
July 7, 2015

Feeling: tired but okay


I started this post with a pretty heavy topic. People fooling themselves. Choosing to look at things through a lens of rationalizations and selective amnesia. I am guilty of this myself. My memories are crafted as time passes to represent the way I want to see things. I try to remind myself of this each day. I don't want my selective reality to allow me to pass judgment based on what I have created. Not saying there is no truth in my memories. There is. It may not be all the truth and may not include all the reasons something has occurred.

Why did this come up? My ex wife showed up yesterday at my shop. I am disposing of some surplus household goods and put the word out that they were free for the taking. She showed up with a couple other woman to take some things. Now that is not an issue. I don't care if she takes any of it. The thing is we are not friends. I don't dislike her or hate her. Not at all. I just would never have her as a friend. She does not have the qualities I look for in a friend. Doesn't make her a bad person. There are billions of people I would not be friends with for one reason or another.

I don't feel the need to pretend with her either. I don't want to hug her or carry on a conversation about my life or hers. Not being spiteful. Just not interested in the way I am not really interested in carrying on that kind of conversation with every customer that comes in the door of my shop. I would feel it would send the wrong message to her and anyone else if my interaction with her was anything other than cordial. I do hug my friends. I tell them I love them. I hug my son even at 30 ( as much as he is embarrassed sometimes) and tell him I love him. These are important people to me. It is important they know how I feel. Pam is not one of these people anymore.

She asked me to hug her and I did. I didn't want to but I did. As she was getting ready to leave I know she wanted me to hug her but I don't want to. I have never said this but when I look at her I see a person that is really frightened and desperately wants to never have to face what her actions caused.

Anyways. I don't want to hug her. LOL does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I'm not evolved or enlightened? Not mature? I don't know and I don't care. I don't have to pretend.........but why does it still bother me?

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