Today is April 21, 2018
Join Now! | Home | Sign in | FAQ | Help
Finding My Way by Finding My Way
March 2017
6THIS place...
7So it begins...
8An Ex
9No Heat
17I'm so scared...
20i didn't cry

January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
September 2016
June 2016
May 2016
January 2016
December 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
June 2015
May 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003

i didn't cry
March 20, 2017

I’m proud of myself. I didn’t cry during the surgery consultation!! I teared up once but no tears fell. I teared up when Dr. Collins asked me, “Did you know Emmett has a heart murmur?” NO! What else can go wrong with this poor cat who is so beautiful and gentle???

The drive to the hospital wasn’t too bad. From where I live almost everything is 20 minutes away (during normal traffic). Akron, Cleveland, my sister’s house, my parent’s house, etc. Having a 9:00am appointment I assumed I was the first patient so I didn’t want to be “the one” to put everyone behind so I went in early to fill out whatever paperwork they had, which wasn’t much since my normal Vet sent over his records. Emmett is such a good boy that I just sat him on the bench and filled out my papers and took them back to the front desk and he never moved. We got called to a room quickly.

I figured here is where I’d do most waiting but the Tech asked me some questions and about 3 other Tech’s came in to “check out the Scottish Fold” because they aren’t a normal breed around here. After they all left I figured I’d be waiting forever for the doctor so when the Tech left and Emmett wanted to jump down off the bench, I let him. He quickly walked the walls to find out there were no hiding spots so I picked him back up. Dr. Collins came in not even 5 minutes after the Tech left.

He’s young. Not that I didn’t know that. I googled the heck out of him! But I thought in person he’d look older. He shook my hand and kneeled next to Emmett by the bench. That’s when he asked about the heart murmur. That’s the least of my worries right now. No, I don’t want an electrocardiogram or a reference to a Cardiologist, at the moment. *sigh*

Dr. Collins asked me to put Emmett on the floor so he could watch him walk. I literally laughed out loud because I know my baby and he was NOT going to walk anywhere with someone other than me in the room! I guess I shouldn’t have let him check out the room earlier for hiding spots!! So, he gave up on trying to make him walk. Everyone that has a cat knows if they don’t want to do something there is no talking or making them do anything!!

He picked Emmett up and put him on the table and the Dr. began feeling his joints. I guess at first he didn’t feel anything wrong because he had a confused look on his face but then he extended the left leg way out and THEN he felt it. No matter what the Dr. did Emmett never moved and never made a sound. He said most cats meow or growl or bite or just try to get away but my Emmett is such a scardy cat he just sits there and takes it. Even when the thermometer goes up his butt, his expression never changes!

The examination is done and now it’s time to talk.

Cats that have bilateral luxating patellas (or knees that pop out of their joint) are rated on a scale of 0-1 no surgery needed, 2 possible surgery needed and 3-4 surgery needed. Of COURSE, Emmett scores a 2. Now, this is going to get crazy for a person like me that absolutely hates gray and lives in a black and white world. I ask if surgery is recommended. I get a vague, gray answer of the pro’s and con’s. I ask if Emmett is say….closer to a 3 or closer to a 1? He said he doesn’t work that way. Emmett is a 2. *SIGH* He told me the cost of the surgery and I told him that it was acceptable so he KNOWS I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make my cat better.

I ask him what he would do. He said he can only give me the pro’s and con’s because if he says “surgery” and something happens dot dot dot But I reaffirmed that he will indeed need surgery, it just depends when? “I suppose you could look at it like that.” REALLY?!?! Am I NOT paying for your advice? You obviously know I’m pro-surgery but not exactly telling me to get the surgery so in my head that must mean Emmett doesn’t need surgery right NOW. He will in the future but no one knows how far away that future is.

I asked about the surgery and the recuperation time and limits with doing both back knees at once. He would come in in the morning and they’d give him an epidural to relax him until surgery time in the afternoon. I would pick him back up the next morning if everything goes as planned. He will be able to walk but may not want to in the beginning. They will make sure he can walk before he lives the hospital. He would need to be kept in a space where there will be no jumping or playing for 8 – 12 weeks. I would keep him in my spare room because he never jumps on that bed and prefers to hide under it. It was also suggested getting a big wire dog cage.

I asked how soon I should come back to re-evaluate his situation and again, he didn’t want to give me any sort of time so I started with 6 months and he said yes, between 3 – 6 months. Okay, I can handle that.

I asked right now, at this very moment, what is his pain level. He went on to say how surgery could turn him into a kitten again and I told him Emmett DID kitten things…he still does. Does he want to run down the hallway chasing a ball? No. Does he want to play with this ribbon hanging from a stick? Yes. Does he jump up and down from my very high bed? Yes. Does he jump on the kitchen counter? No. So the things Emmett is not doing aren’t such bad things….for me.

I told the Dr. to remove me from the equation. I know and he needs to know that I let emotions get the best of me. I can’t be relied on to necessarily make the best decision for Emmett because I’m selfish and I go off what I’m feeling. I asked again, what pain in Emmett in right NOW. He said right now Emmett is most likely feeling annoyance and mild pain that the joint supplement I have him on should start helping with every time his knees go back into their socket.

I hated leaving with things still up in the air. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by waiting until he becomes a 3 and then have surgery or have the surgery now before he’s in any real pain. I just don’t know how to make that decision unless a doctor tells me or Emmett tells me and Emmett is awesome but he can’t talk. I’ll go back when he turns 2 (July/August) and re-evaluate him for another $140.50.

Everyone is telling me I made the right decision but are they saying the right decision is to not ever have the surgery?!?! Or agree that now isn’t the time?!?! I just don’t know…

I do know that Emmett will have surgery at some point…when I start waking up with him not sleeping with me since I leave that choice up to him. If he wants to sleep with me, he has to jump. It’s hard because he and I have an arrangement. If he wants something he comes over and taps my arm or leg to get my attention. Most of the time I think he wants to come sit by me (stupid human!) so when I reach for him he runs. If he comes back and taps me again I know he wants to play! Emmett has the run of the apartment. I don’t stop him from jumping on the couch or walking across the living room table. If he wants to sit on the kitchen table, go for it. I think because I let him do whatever he wants it’s no fun for him anymore because my sister yells and screams and has tried everything to get her cat to stop jumping on the kitchen counter but he continues to do it no matter what she tries!


Drinking “holiday’s” scare me. They used to scare me for me personally but now I just try to avoid being in any drunk situation. I don’t care if you drink! I drink! It’s these holidays that worry me…for the younger generation like my 19 year old niece and 17 year old nephew.

I’ve always been open and honest with them and for the most part are open and honest with me too…sometimes I have to ask the right question but still… Back in my day, underage drinking happened ALL the time. I had my first drink when I was 14 or 15. My sister was “grandfathered in” on the law where you could be 18 to buy beer and wine coolers so my friends and I were kept in constant supply and yeah we did stupid shit which is why I worry now!

I’ve let Ashley and Ryan try whatever I’m drinking if they ask. I always have. Most alcohol doesn’t taste good so I’m not worried. She wants to do a shot of my sister’s no-name vodka… have at it sister! She wants to try a show of her Dad’s Jack Daniel’s…hahaha go ahead and enjoy!!! When she was going to graduation parties last summer I was worried. I made her absolutely promise to not get into any car where someone even just had one drink… and of course, no drinking and driving herself. I will always pick her up no questions asked and most of all, no judging. She said “people now” are more into pot, not drinking. Well, the same rules apply!!

She went camping with her boyfriend this past summer and I talked to her when she got home and my first question was “did you drink?” and she said she did, while canoeing (or cabrewing as they call it). I asked her how many times she had to get out of the canoe and pee? She laughed and said “I know, right?!” I asked if she got drunk and she said she did. She doesn’t remember walking from the canoe back to camp and somehow lost her flip flops between the canoe and camp. She slept it off. There was parental supervision so I was okay with that. She’s experimenting.

Then over New Year’s Eve… that was a major fuck up. My sister wanted to make a “signature drink” and chose Mudslides and we would all drink if we wanted, Ryan, Ashley and even her boyfriend because everyone was sleeping over. I couldn’t finish even one glass because I hate Bailey’s so I said I wasn’t going to spend the night. Ashley didn’t particularly like the drink either but thanked her mom “for trying” lol

What I didn’t know was that she was drinking straight shots of vodka whenever me or my sister left the room because she wanted to feel buzzed. Well, guzzling vodka is NOT the answer to that! When I found out what she did I told her she was in for a world of hurt. She said “Why I’m not feeling anything” and I said “Give it 5 minutes”. I told her she was stupid and the buzz doesn’t just turn on… it happens over time. I warned her she was going to go from feeling nothing to probably puking in less than 30 minutes and that’s exactly what happened. My sister worried for nothing that the boyfriend was going to sneak into Ashley’s room!! No one wanted to be in Ashley’s room after she threw up all over her comforter and sheets!! She just slept on the floor. Good times!

ANYWAY…back to my original story of drinking holidays…

Last year Ashley and Marc went to the parade with Marc’s uncle but when you’re underage with no face ID it’s no fun really. Plus it’s always cold for the parade. I felt better knowing they were staying home this year. A girl she knew since middle school got into a bar downtown and I don’t even care about that really since I was sneaking into bars when I was 17. I don’t know if she was drinking but I assume she was because it was a party atmosphere. I don’t even care about that really. Something happened. No one can really say what exactly but she fell from the 2nd floor head first down to the granite floor. She hit so hard it rippled the granite. She’s not dead but she’s critical. She’s probably going to wish she died (as horrible as that sounds, I know I would). The bar is closed due to multiple violations for unsafe conditions.

Ashley told me about this girl at dinner Saturday night. In the article she showed me it didn’t have the girls name but she said she knows who it was. The article refers to her as “a woman” and I kinda laughed because she’s just a kid!! Ashley asked me if she would be considered a woman at 19 and I said most likely. By law, she’s an adult but it’s hard for anyone my age to think of anyone that age as a woman…she’s a girl.

I don’t know if I should pray for her to live or pray for her to die with dignity.

Login to select
your favorite journals


Visit my Forum

© Website Copyright 2017 by
© Journal Content Copyright 2017 by the Author
Terms of Service Agreement
Privacy Policy