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Finding My Way by Finding My Way
 
August 2017
1Second Interview
2Waste
4So tired.../Minor Anxiety Attack
6Texting and Driving
7Cold
10Ashley
12County Fair
16Broken
17Less Anxious/My Sister
20Fireball / Family
26Piercing Pics
28Judgement Day
30Hunger


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County Fair
August 12, 2017

Ashley and I went to the fair yesterday and we had a great time. I tried really hard not to mention her ex-boyfriend but it's hard when he was so much a part of her life for 2 years. She isn't wearing her promise ring anymore and he doesn't seem to be pursing her and trying to get her back. I know I should be glad because he isn't good for her but I hate to see her hurting.

We got caught in an unexpected thunderstorm while at the fair but we didn't let that bother us. We were both drenched but we laughed about it. She loves going into each of the barns whether it be animals or crafts. I love the horses and she loves the goats. She doesn't care for horses and I don't care for goats so it works out fine!

Horses are the most glorious creatures. Ashley is scared of them and I can understand why. She wonders how people control the huge draft horses and I told her that even the regular horses have enough power and strength that should they not want to obey there is absolutely no way for a person to force them. Horses can sense fear so while I was talking and petting one she decided to be brave and reach her hand out and it immediately turned away. Of course, Ashley is the one that is scared of getting bit by her 4 month old puppy so....

My mom called today and invited me over for dinner tomorrow. I haven't seen them in a week so I agreed. I've been on the quest to find fresh sweet corn and my pops found a little stand and we're going to go tomorrow before dinner. I love my parents so much and I want to spend as much time with them as possible. As they get older I get more scared of losing them.

While I spend as much time as I can I find it hard to grasp that my sister doesn't. I get she has a family and whatever but she only calls once a week and visits only once a month...maybe. We both live equal distance away so she can't use that as an excuse. While I visit my parent's in person, I also call at least twice a week. I even text my pops throughout the week, whether it's a quick hello or a photo or for help.

Maybe my sister is jealous? Kim knows that mom invites me over for dinner often but mom also knows I don't really bother cooking for myself. Maybe Kim knows how much I need my parents. I think out of us three siblings I have the biggest heart. I always have. My love for people and animals borders on obsessive.

My anxiety has lessoned a bit since I received my 401k checks in the mail. I haven't cashed them yet but it helps knowing they are here. My cousin also gave me a few of her valium. I've never taken valium before but it seems to work better than Xanax. It does take away my emotions but I'm okay with that.

My doctor refused to prescribe anything since I already take 2 anxiety pills and 1 antidepressant but I need something for my anxiety attacks. They don't happen often and I wouldn't take it every day but she's making me come into her office even though I don't have health insurance. She'd better do something for since I am having to pay for an office visit. It's on Monday so we shall see...

Since I'm going to my parent's house tomorrow which is normally my nap day, I'm going to nap today (soon). My sister and family are going over her in-law's to celebrate the father-in-law's birthday. I know Ashley isn't looking forward to going. She hasn't forgiven him for calling her fat to her face in front of both sides of the family. I get it. It took me a long time to get over my mom telling me the same thing years ago. All I can do is reassure her that she is not fat. Has she gained some weight since she was in high school? Yes, but it isn't out of control. She still have people telling her daily how pretty she is!

I stopped over my sister's last week and caught Ashley as she was just getting out of the shower. It was the first time in YEARS that I've seen her without make-up and holy shit did she look like a baby! She doesn't wear much make-up. She spends most of her time on her eyes and sometimes her lips. She really likes Kylie Jenner's lip kits but this year she asked for a nice pair of sneakers for her birthday which was a surprise to me.

My nephew, Ryan, has been spending the last couple of weeks before his senior year of high school never home. It's hard for me to get him to agree to spend any time with me but I get it! He always hugs me when I see him and he honestly gives the best hugs ever... He hugs like he means it! My sister has raised 2 awesome kids.

~k

~*~*~*~*~

So Ashley just texted me. I guess my pops texted my sister asking her if she wanted corn from the stand tomorrow and must have mentioned me going over there. Ashley asked about the "farmers market" and I told her I didn't think it was a market, just a corn stand. She said "oh, okay" but I know her...she wanted to go.

I asked her if she wanted to come with me and she said no, not if it was just a corn stand. I told her I was staying there for dinner and we could go for a walk in the woods for awhile before we eat. She loves the woods at my parent's house.

I also told her that I know how lonely and hard weekends are after you're so used to spending all your time with someone and if she wanted to come with me she was more than welcome. She said she wanted to come.

I called to make sure it was okay with mom and she's happy she's coming. She understands too. Ashley will go anywhere with anyone at anytime. She's always been like that even when she was a young kid. She didn't care if she was going to Lowe's or to a hardware store or a stranger's house...she just wants to go.

I just love Ashley SO much and I hate she's hurting...

~k
 
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