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another windy story
August 14, 2008
Here's the fall line up:
Teaching in Diverse Classroom Settings
Assessment and Action Research
Human Development & Learning Process
Managing the Classroom %
Principles & Methods of Teaching English *
Classes M-W-F, one class W nights(*), Friday classes till 11:30 am(%) M & W class from 8:30 to 11:30, then 1:30 to 2:45.
I think it's a good schedule. I have T & TH to do homework or work at a job. (I still have to find out about that)
Today, I think I'll go get my books and parking permit. Sounds exciting doesn't it?
Yesterday when I took Connor home, things weren't the same as they had been whenI picked him up. Some of the tension in that house was gone. Daughter said she caught up onher sleep and had been to the shrink.
Because of the stress at her work, her dumb-ass fuckhead boyfriend, and being pregnant and nearly always penniless,she was about to crack. Her boss told her she had to have a psyche eval before she could comeback.
Now, what sort of fucked up thing is going on with her that she has to have a psyche eval? I KNOW she's not ready to have another baby. I KNOW she's ready to leave dumb-ass fuckhead. The problem is when things get to the point of her walking away, he manipulates her into saying he'll change...yada yada yada. Thank God he doesn't hit her! But the cycle they are in seems very, very familiar.
He'll be on his best behavior for a week-maybe two and then back to the same old stupid shit that keeps them down and out. My daughter is way to smart for this, but I don't know how to reach her anymore. It's almost as if his stupid has rubbed off on her.
She want to terminate the pregnancy. I think if she doesn't act quickly, it will be too late. I'd hate for her to bring a baby into this world and then be bitter about it because she couldn't afford to terminate, or she sat on her ass too long pondering the complexitites of her life.
Here's the deal, I told her I agreed with her decision for obvious reasons, however, this IS NOT a method of birth control. I am furious at her blatent disregard for everything I have ever taught her about being responsible in that area. And why has she asked me more times than I care to admit "What did I ever see in him in the first place?"
She was lonely. I get it, but what I don't get is that she didn't protect herself. I wouldn't trade Connor for anything. But I cannot see bringing another child into this world when it's a struggle to care for the one you have and the man who fathered them already has two other children he can't take care of AND has been stripped of his parental rights. I mean really, I could care less how much you need a fuck, Goddammit THINK!
I was 17 when I had #1, 19 when I had her and 22 when I had #2. I am a huge advocate for birth control. I offered to take her. I'm the one who insisted that she have a prescription when she left her 6 week check up. For all the good that did.
I'm sick of the laziness, the indifference, the acceptance of what is happening to her, I'm sick of him always having to know every word that passes between she and I. I hate the way he looks after the baby, I hate that he can't handle his money and is too stupid to let her do it because she's better at it. He has some antiquated sense of propriety and it is often detrimental to their advancement.
He tells me yesterday that he wants to go back to school. (this is an ongoing, going nowhere conversation-I've heard it before) So, once again I encourage him to do so. When he lived here he could have walked six freakin' blocks to the adult ed center. Daughter says "He wasn't ready then." That's the new buzz phrase, just insert appropriate pronoun.
So once again I give the "If I can do it any one can" speech, which probably fell on deaf ears...again. I tell both of them that with higher education levels not only comes a bigger paycheck, but also more respect. I know I am treated differently, by the same people, than I was before I got that degree. I'm an equal now. I wanted that before, but I guess it didn't matter that I had paid my dues, I now have the official membership card.
Anyway, I'm just sick of the same old routine, the same old excuses-no matter how newly rephrased they are. I want to believe, I really do. MB says nothing will change until I cut them off. Here's the deal, I don't do anything for those two, I do it for Connor, because he needs stuff and he depends on those Bozos. I give them nothing monitarily-you're on your own there. I don't have it to give. If I know Connor needs diapers, I'll buy them, but those kids have to be dead-ass broke before I do it.
I don't buy them food. She gets food stamps, which are already gone for this month and that's another long ass story, I don't want to get into. But I will say this, when I went to visit last Friday, I specifically wanted to take daughter to the store for mega-shopping. She couldn't do that because dumb-ass fuckface spent most of them on convienience foods. Not junk per se, but stuff that is quick to fix (read, more expensive). Daughter grew up eating and knowing how to make nutrious, low cost meals. It was our way of life. Frozen pizza was a treat, not a staple. Oh, I could go on and on, but I won't.
I'm at my wits end here. I want her to leave dumb-ass fuckface. She says she needs him right now because of all the stress in her life. Whatever. I think yeah her life will be rough for a couple of months, but once she gets on her feet, she'll be much better off. I wish I could get her to see it too.
Maybe with my being so busy and unavailable when school starts back up, she'll figure it out. I'm just tired of it all, I have too much to focus on to let this interfere with where I am going. I'm sick of the drama, the lost jobs, the broken promises, half-hearted attempts, the crappy apartments, no transportation and empty-headed decisions.
Thankfully we have fun weekend plans with lots of music and friends.
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