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*see-saw waffles-UPDATE
August 28, 2008
So here it comes again, maybe later today, maybe tomorrow, but the emotional wave started earlier this morning. Me crying over something that I percieve, my feelings, my inadequacies.
This may not make sense to any one but me, but whatever.
I know I have personal things I need to deal with; things I actually have control over, but somewhere, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm not strong enough to do it, I haven't the willpower. It'll take too long, no one but me really cares anyway. Which I KNOW none of this is true, it's just the crap that rattles around in my head.
When will there be the magical turning point of it all? When will it all make sense, I'll feel better and then I will. If I do this-then I can do this. It's defeatist.
I try really hard to keep a level head about things. I know I'm fucking brilliant, but I don't want to be arrogant. I try not to show off, because just as soon as you do, that's when you get slapped in the face. So if you always stay low-key and do your best all the time, then no one can fault you for anything.
Ever been afraid to succeed because you never really have? That's me. How am I gonna feel when there are fifty eyes on me? They'll be waiting for me to spout off some genius and motivate them too. I love kids, I hate them too. I guess that's a good balance isn't it?
I think back to that day some fifteen years ago. I was standing in my driveway under the hot Texas sun and my neighbor said "You're not afraid of anything, are you?" Oh, how I wish that were true, back then and now.
"Chance favors the open mind," but I'm not so sure I haven't closed mine off to some things. I wonder if I'll ever have another chance to see the people I need to 'settle-up' with. And if I do, will I be ready? I think I am mentally, but physically-hell no.
I wish I were invisible sometimes. I mean I want to continue to do all the things I normally do, but no one could see me. I wouldn't do things on purpose to hurt others, I don't even really want to eavesdrop on people. I just don't want to be judged any more.
The funny thing is I fell better today than I have the past few days and now my head is taking a side-trip. WTF?
We humans are a weird lot.
I wish I could tell him I would rather say nothing than hurt his feelings. But not talking hurts them too. I wish I could be strong enough for the both of us. I wish I were in charge and made all the decisions. I wish I could help out more. I wish I was_________. (skinny, finished with school, finacially stable, worry-free, not hormonal-pick one, hell pick all, fill in the blank.)
I know this doesn't make sense and someday when I come back and read this I'll wonder what the hell was going on with me. Every one has those days.
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Down, but not for long. It's good to know what had me that way, but alas, it has passed.
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