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July 2017

Still Lost
July 15, 2017


Still haven't heard from Z. I got a message day before yesterday from his cousin that he'd been working for needing to get into his workshop for the pieces he'd been preparing for her. I got over there, she showed up all upset, crying over some family drama. She finally calmed down and was able to think of a different way to haul the pieces, her first option fell through,, hence the drama. While waiting for her son in his pick up, Z's life long friend, K, stopped by. He said he'd been trying to reach someone for a week, couldn't get his son to answer the door, couldn't reach Z online or by phone. He was really concerned. I talked to him for quite awhile, he told me Z had talked about me quite a bit while they were going to the auctions together. He said Z told him he likes me a lot, but when he asked about us getting into an actual relationship Z said he couldn't, and that really confused K. He said he understands now why he couldn't. Talking to him really helped me understand more of where I stand in our "relationship". I also know now, he calls me Bob, because when we first met he couldn't remember my name, but he could remember the conversation we had during our first "date" on New Years (talking about what he'd name a band, said he'd name it Bob 'cause it's easy to yell out). I was never quite sure how I got saddled with it. lol He also told me Z was really happy when I gave him the saw blade I painted for him, said he couldn't wait to show it off. Smile

I sent him off another letter today,, yesterday now. My life has gone back to where the only person I talk to again on a daily basis is my Ma. I'm trying reallllly hard not to let the depression overtake me. I'm trying to stay busy, painting, playing Sims, working out. It's getting easier, but I'm afraid to be away from the phone in case he calls. I should be trying to find my ass a job, but that's the last thing I want to do right now. Been working on setting up the upstairs bedroom up for him in case he wants/needs a place to go when he gets out. Yea, I know that's still a ways in the future, but it's keeping me busy. And it's been a hellova work out, most of the stuff I've decided to use in that room up there, was in the basement. That's 2 flights of stairs, one is rather steep, carrying up a TV, a heavy ass glass top table, the VCR and surround sound system, the glass shelf dealy to put all the electronics on,, all by myself. That was my work out for the day.

I'm loving my new yoga swing. Just wish I could find someplace to hang it inside the house. It's so fucking hot in the garage, it really saps my motivation.

Damn, I miss him. I need to quit moping though. I know he and I have a connection, we're probably feeding off each other's depression. I try to keep my letters to him upbeat, but that's not what I'm feeling. I'm happy that I know now that he evidently wants me to wait for him, and now confirmation from K that he does indeed like me. But disheartened because we have to wait a year (or more,,, please don't let it be more,,,) to do anything more about it.

Jar of Flies
by Maze
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