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Taking it From the TOP by WriteItOnMyHeart
December 2017
6Panic...Worry...who me? Uh yes...
30Lessons Are Invaluable; really, really, really, really!

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Panic...Worry...who me? Uh yes...
December 6, 2017

I know I shouldn't be so worried, but I am. They found two more tumors on my sweet Blue Eye's right lung and we have a consult with the radiologist tomorrow and then he will start treatments again. He has been in quite a bit of pain these last couple of months (minor pain before that). They've been giving him tramadol for the pain, but all it does is make him sleepy--though it does help him sleep at night, so I guess it's better than nothing. Ibuprofen seems to help more than anything. Apparently one of the tumors (or both) are rubbing against his rib cage when he moves a certain way or breathes deeply and it is quite painful at times.

They were going to make us wait until Thursday for the Pet scan to see what was going on, but I kept calling his oncologist nurse and telling her that he was in pain. They had him come in for lab work and an xray the other day and they tried to tell us that BE had pneumonia. Uh no. No He didn't have a cough, no fever, no other real symptoms of pneumonia other than chest and back pain. I told them I refused to believe he had pneumonia and they still wanted him to take an antibiotic "just in case"--they prescribed one for 5 days then had him go ahead and come in for the Petscan on Monday. Thank goodness we did--that's how they found the tumors on his right lung and now at least we can start doing whatever it takes to get rid of them. The one they treated with radiation on his lung/sternum area looks like it is dying, so we're hopeful that these two new ones will die off too.

He doesn't really complain much and I can't get him to quit work completely. He has cut back his hours considerably, but I think working is what is keeping him moving forward more than anything. He loves his job and the folks he works with, so I try not to harp at him too much. They're very protective of him there--even hired a helper to do the heavy lifting parts of his job and to kind of keep an eye on him.

Watching this beautiful man I love be in pain is so hard though. He tries to hide it from me, but I know him too well. He wants to fight this damn cancer with guns blazing and I am so glad he has that attitude! We can beat this, but man, we're both so tired. I get panicky whenever I even allow myself to imagine life without him and so I have to push that thought out and focus on enjoying every moment we have right now. He still has a good appetite, so I cook him fun and yummy, healthy meals and I love just being near him and sharing whatever moments we can. We hug alot.

I think the Prozac is helping me to keep it together. I feel panicky, yet don't feel out of control or weepy. So much has been going on. My son is also dealing with some health issues and we're waiting for results to see if he might have testicular cancer. Have I mentioned how much I hate Cancer????!!! Mad

I can't quite get in the "Holiday Spirit"--we have a xmas party on Sat. evening to go to with B.E.'s highschool buds, but my heart just isn't in it. Still, I know it will do him good to be around his friends, so we're going.

I hope everyone here is doing okay. I think of so many here who are dealing with health issues and my heart aches for all those who are going through their own health issues and trials. Life is definitely a challenge, but I know all things happen for a reason. We're supposed to be learning from each experience and "growing"--but just for the record...I don't know if I can figure out what the lesson is except to keep on keepin' on.

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you and best wishes for good health and happiness. Thank you to those who care and thank you to Frank for this refuge to unload my panic and fear and hopes and wishes...
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