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Mine, All Mine by chi3nne
February 2009

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February 26, 2009

Much of the same really. Work is kicking my ass. tomorrow is a full day. I met with a potential new client today in hopes that if he decided to utilize my company it would be after next week. Well he did not commit but sent over some stuff he wants me to do a dry run on to see how much time it would take for me to it on a regular basis. So I have to get to that tomorrow as well and it is something I have not done alot of so it will take me a bit of time. My house is in need of deep scrub and my laundry in piling up. Kiddo has been gone ALOT these past couple of week so it is not that I have not had the opportunity to catch up on lots of stuff I have just made other choices.

Last weekend was spent almost entirely with Yummy with the exception of several hours of work on Saturday and Sunday evening. By the time I got home on Sunday though I was spent and it carried over to this week. Tuesday Tom came over and that was emotionally draining. Last night I went to Yummy's and ended up staying the night there. I will not make that damn mistake again. I slept like total crap, I was freezing on my little piece of bed (he only has a full bed) and his roomie got up at 3:30 for work and made no attempt to be quiet and so from that point on I was pretty much awake. I got up and out of bed when Yummy did and left immediately. I think he was still kind of out of it when I left but then again I had been up for hours and he had not! He did call me on his way to work to let me know he was awake and told me he how he had enjoyed my company and it was totally worth only getting 6 hours of sleep for. Yeah I got about half that! So of course I am exhausted today after a full day of work and meetings. Then I came home and was just starting to chill out a bit when Tom called. Yes the agreement was that he would step back blah blah blah. Another emotionally exhausting conversation that ended the same as the last. It breaks my heart and I know it breaks his. What I want to do is make it better for him. To give him what he wants so he is not upset and everything is right in his world but I know that is exactly what I cannot do...for myself and for him whether he knows it or not. I have no idea where this will go or end with him. I did make it very clear that I cannot and will not keep having this same conversation day in and out until he or I finally break. I told him to back up and do what he thinks he needs to do for himself and not make this about me. He thinks I will make him happy. I know better. I know someone has to be happy with themselves for themselves before they can expect someone to ADD to that happiness not MAKE them happy. He see's it as something so simple fix..he makes changes, get me and we live happily ever after. I know that to not be the truth. It is never simple when you are hoping, waiting and expecting them to change so that you are compatible in a forever kind of way. Especially when it is not just bad habits that need to be changed but communication styles (or lack there of), friends etc. It is so much more complicated than he is willing to acknowledge even though I tell him all of this. Ugh it saddens me, frustrates me and exhaust me.

Earlier this week Yummy and I made really loose plans for tomorrow night (as in "we should do something Friday night"). We did not discuss it last night I was not overly concerned about it nor am I now. I will either stay home, rest and catch up on some house stuff, meet the girls out or do something with Yummy. At this point either sound fine. I just want to relax and not think so much.

I am going to try and stay up another 45 mins before I pass out in my comfy big soft warm bed. I would go now but as it is I will no doubt be up at 5 since I will be going to be so early but I damn I am tired!
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