May 23, 2010
my mind is a wandering ball of "what if"....
just the general stuff, nothing intense, i mean nothing too intense. i am having a very hard time with reality verses fantasy. not on purpose or anything just because i want to shut off from the world.
what's my deal. I need to figure this out because i'm acting irrationally, I'm letting things get out of hand again. Who the fuck am i to let myself get like this again. self control ; i need to use self control. I have too much to loose.
it's a gorgeous day here; and i was just hiding away in my bed watching gilmore girls, totally doing my own thing, on the verge of tears, which is the state i'm almost always in lately... where is the happy girl...
The thing is, nothing has changed, to put me in this state.
except quitting my job.
why is when i'm fearless, and dare i say cocky, i loose things, therefore causing me to fall apart.
i'm embarrassed, i'm hurt, i hate who i am!
god i just totally went off topic. The day is gorgeous and i'm sitting outside in my backyard, typing on my computer because i get my net outside. I could never do that in my apartment. The walls of the balcony were so thick and concrete so i could never enjoy my laptop and outsideness at the same time.
people two houses over have a pool and have neighbours over, they seem like they are having fun. my aunt and uncle are away so my grand plan of gardening this weekend never surfaced.
i feel like a drug fiend without drugs. Chemical imbalance;
low estrogen, fucked up hormones, whatever any of this is...SUCKS ass!!
in 05 on friday was the 5 year anniversary of mike e-mailing me on pof. Well technically, it was today 5 years ago but the physical date was may 21st.
the reason i thought of that though was because from jan 05-right before i met mike i contemplated several times checking myself into a hospital to get help.
I wonder what i could do to get rid of these feelings, to change how i feel; i mean seriously i was and am obviously still not well.
What can i do to fix it, make it better; what should i do?
Mike is the only thing that is keeping me from the whole bedroom lockage thing. though don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. I like my new bedroom it's nice and dark. I could stay in there for a year. foshizzles.