|Same same same|
March 4, 2018
I am not much better. I think I have to admit to myself that I am pretty depressed. Usually I can suck it up and gloss over it, distract myself, but lately it is proving difficult to do even that.
My doctor is prescribing me some blood pressure medication, hopefully I will pick it up tomorrow and get started on that. I have no idea if that will help. I hope so.
I cannot describe how good and conversely awful it is to admit the things I did in my last entry. Perhaps I am finally starting to lose hope that anything will ever be better between my husband any myself. I think the way he was so long ago was the lie, and who I live with now is the real him. Why put on the facade for so long? I don't understand.
I am so tired of feeling so alone. I would go and talk with someone, but truthfully if I even said a bit of what is going on in my head, someone could easily and with justification put me on some sort of mental health hold for evaluation. I just need to hold on until this passes, I can make it, I am strong. I may have lost a little hold on that at the moment, but I will get back there.
My bff is coming at the end of the month, just for a couple of days. And just like the dinner with my other friends, I kind of feel like I don't want her to come. I have not seen her in at least year, but I feel like I am not good for anyone right now. I use all of my energy to hold it together for my daughters, I don't have the strength for anybody else.
I am sitting in my kitchen right now, watching my husband power wash the driveway. We live on a private road and the driveway gets covered in mud and pine needles over the winter. I sincerely hate mud. I would like to think he is doing this to make me happy, but I am sure there is some personal reason for him doing this.
Today I escaped from the house alone under the premise of needing milk from the store. I got a cup of coffee and drove and drove. When I finally went into the grocery store and went to check out, I could tell the cashier was having a tough day, the customer one person ahead of me was just plain rude to her for no reason. I was going to try to cheer her up like I always try to do, but she asked me what I was up to today and I blurted out "escaping my family". She was the one who ended up trying to cheer me up, while I did my best not to burst into tears.
I hate feeling this way, I am tearing up right now. And I am one that cannot hide when I am crying or have been crying. My face gets completely blotchy and red, my eyes swell up and my face does not calm down for a long time afterwards. I have to be very careful about it. Maybe tonight is a good night to take a long shower and cry it all out. Or maybe I will just finish making dinner and cuddle my puppy.