July 12, 2003
I overslept again today and its made me feel pretty out of it. If that weren't enough, we were supposed to rearrange some things in the house to help with the painting. Some of it had gotten done before I got up and then after taking awhile to wake up, I got into it.
I hate to think about how much I have let myself get used to around this place. To put it simply, it's a wreck. I will admit that I haven't been helping and in all honesty, I have been adding to it. If no one else is willing to show the concern, why should I? Or at least, that's how I felt until today. T and I spent the better part of an hour clearing a route from the basement to the living room. Since we had tossed out the old furniture, we were going to move the futon upstairs to serve as a couch until we buy a new one. It was a tremendous pain in the ass to get prepared. It's amazing how much crap had built up because no one was willing to do anything about it. With that all said and done, she and I started to move the futon's frame. We had a bitch of a time getting up to the top of the stairs -- where we promptly got stuck. We tried for like a half hour to figure a way around it but I finally gave up for a time. I would just unbolt the damn thing and take it through in pieces except my damned driver bits have walked off somewhere. We're probably going to have to drag the damned thing back down the stairs, turn it around and try taking it the other way. Maybe then, we'll be able to make the corner.
I'm trying to find the gumption to do that now. Between the dust and the exertion, I've pretty much wore myself out already. My asthma kicked in and my freaking eyes are burning. You gotta love allergies. I've been up for less than six hours and I am already to curl back up in bed. I am really tempted to say "Fuck it" and let them deal with the damned thing.
Of course, that bit of thrasted frustration could come from other sources and this just might be the straw that broke the camel's back for today. I've been trying to be more standoffish with T lately, which is hard for me to do. I feel that I have to play hot and cold -- so as not to alienate her and not make me nuts. I'm kind of getting tired of letting her have her cake and eat it too. She's got little reason to push R too hard. When I allow it, I fill the role of husband where he often comes across so lacking. I go through these cycles where we really warm up to each other and then I have to cool them off -- usually by cooling myself off. Something is going to have to change and I think it is going to have to involve me. No one else seems to want to.