|Dancing Back from the Edge|
July 8, 2004
The past few days have been pretty rough. My mood completely crashed earlier in the week and some of my darker impulses kicked in. Ye olde 600 lb gorilla of negativity was batting me around like a tennis ball and had me really regretting my existence. I went from reasonably normal to back where I was when I started my treatment in essentially the blink of any eye. Itís made getting anything done as well tolerating stuff around the house difficult to say the least. Itís also kept me from adding more of my back entries from June and now early July. I have something like 4 or 5 more to post in addition to the ones that I already put up.
A few things started kicking me back in the right direction Ė my job, my boss, reactions from people at work and such. They were mostly positive things but one bit of anticipated desperation did a lot to sway me as well. Last night, T got worked up about doing the bills and whatnot, essentially the worry of being the only adult in her family. She almost basically came out and asked me for help, and when I balked, commented that it wasnít my responsibility. She was also talking about how she would be concerned about R being the stay at home parent for their two kids and wishing that she could be the one at home. I did tell her that their finances will be very tight and become even more so when I move out. It kind of smacked her between the eyes, and she basically hinted that I didnít have to go unless I wanted a place of my own. It was pretty clear that she didnít want to be left alone.
I didnít have the heart to tell her that itís pretty much my intention Ė particularly if I get another promotion. I want away from the drama as well as the day to day frustration caused by R. I also want a place of my own Ė even if only to test whether I can tolerate being on my own. I need to know if some of the changes from the past couple of years have actually taken or if I will completely collapse once I am alone again. I need to know if I can function in reality or if I am a lost cause. Staying in LA-LA land isnít going to do that for me.
I have to admit -- after the past few days -- I have some serious doubts.
I didnít feel comfortable during my earlier writing. T was sitting behind me and I just felt as if I was being watched. Hard to be open and truthful when what are writing could get you in an immediate conflict. It seems ridiculous in what is supposed to be a relatively private forum.
Iím really looking forward to my stay at Satanís for just that reason. Iíll have an absolute sense of solititude and privacy. Iíll get a chance to really get to the center of myself without interference. I may actually to get to do something that I donít at home. I can act as an adult without worrying about my place in regards to R. Since its Satanís home and I am just a guest, I will have to keep it up.
Particularly a bit of a motivator Ė particularly after my embarrassment this past weekend