January 23, 2006
I've been working on my annual self-evaluation. I'm supposed to present it to my supervisors tomorrow morning and creating the document is supposed to take 4-8 hours. It seems like a waste of time to me. My supervisors have always done a good job about letting me know where I stand so this seems bloody repetitive. Plus, they are more likely to give me a fair shake than I am. I'll generally believe the worst of my efforts -- particularly these days. My confidence and my ability to shrug things off so I can move ahead were seriously damaged by the incident in December as well as later follow-on situations. If I allow it, I can easily come to regard myself a failure waiting to strike again.
I suppose failure is a role I can easily conceive of for myself. I can really see it in a romantic/relationship role. Several of the women that I follow on here have stated that they simply won't be in a relationship to not be alone. Prior experience has dictated to them that lowering their expectations for that reason only leads to them being miserable. Along those lines, I can see myself being the source of that type of misery if I were in such a relationship. I won't do that to some I ostenstiosibly care about. I'd rather be alone - not that I have much choice these days.