February 5, 2006
I haven't had much opportunity to write the past few days. Pushing through the last bits of that project as well as a couple relatively sleepless nights has left me fairly zombiefied. As often as I am in that state, you would think I would be used to it now. Even without work, I've been feeling pretty used up and I have a couple suspicions as to why. I really need to take some time in the next week or so to sit down and start doing those thing for myself that'll help me feel better. I guess I'll put in for a couple personal days on Monday so I can look into that stuff. I'm sick and tired of being sick nd tired.
I've had other things rolling around in my skull for awhile. Things I want, situations that I'd like to pursue.I dwell on them and let my expectations for them build up in my mind's eye -- until they are truly a thing of beauty to me. Things that could conceivably make me happy and add a depth to my life that is so sorely lacking. Then the hard, cold light of negative self-perception -- I see how hopeless it is to even consider some of those outcomes. I am either ill-suited or simply unworthy of them. It sweeps my legs out from beneath me and figuratively leaves me grovelling on the ground and trying to content myself with scraps.
I seem to have been stuck with scraps for awhile. To look at what at the ideal that my mind has created simply starts to become painful.
I know a lot of this has to do with my depression and how I feel physically. It's the prime reason that I need to take some time off from work-- so I can devote some time to trying to fix myself. With work the way it is, I seem incapable of finding the time during my work day to make the necessary calls. Between diabetes, asthma, and depression and not even counting my regular doctors recommendations or any dental stuff -- I will have to spend a good bit of time on the phone just setting up appointments and working out the details with my insurance company.
I need to get back on to my plan -- the one I started but was so easily diverted from by events at home, at work and around me. Things are not supposed to be this way and they aren't going to magically right themselves. It's up to me.
Plus by neglecting myself -- I end up neglecting those people and those thing special to me. They don't deserve that and neither do I.