February 16, 2006
I just love the sensation of being crushed under 100 times my own weight. Its as if the weight of existence has fallen onto me and driven me straight into the ground. No matter how much I struggle, there is no chance that I can move it. I'm trapped in a dark, small space.
That's how I feel right now. In a matter of moments, my mood went from OK to this apathetic extremes. I'm finding myself just wanting to give up. All the effort and time has been wasted and to continue would be a waste. There are people better than me, who actually try, and they aren't all that happy. What chance does this fat, pathetic bastard have?
I can't explain the sudden onset of these feelings. True, there have been some people around me in less than stellar moods plus many of my fellw associates morales are pretty low. Maybe the gloom is catching. May be the fact that I felt better when I wasn't working the past two days than I have in months is part of it. Maybe it is the sensation that I am working hard for no reason --there is nothing on the horizon that I am looking forward to. Maybe it's the attempts that I have made to simplify my life but have only added more complications. Maybe I'm just a mopey son of a bitch. Who the hell knows.
Maybe I am just in need of some good news. Something so over the top positive that I can't find anything wrong with it. For the life of me, I can't see what might fall under that banner. I don't think I would know joyous if it came up and slapped me up side the head. Right now, I am too prone to question and ask "What's the catch?" Even the most simple thing will have me wondering what it is going to cost me in the long run. Nothing good is ever without its price.
Being out of work the past two days has given me quite a bit of time to myself and in out character fashion, I truly enjoyed it. I could almost fool myself that I was living on my own. Howver, almost wasn't good enough and I still found myself feeling frustrated. While I made a few things better on a personal front, there is a whole boatload of other things around the house that I can't or won't address. If I take care of them. it will only piss me off and encourage certain people with the idea that I'll be there to take care of shit when it is not my responsibility. Being off on my own is going to be a good thing -- of course -- sharing a place with the Ogre, RHR, and Satan won't be off on my own. I must admit being a little worried about that. If it were Satan and I, things would be pretty cool. The Ogre might prove troublesome -- cause he can and does live up to his name. As for the RHR, I don't know if he has ever lived on his own -- since he currently lives with his parents. So, his habits could be either very good -- or very, very bad. I guess it is a wait and see situation.