February 21, 2006
I'm still feeling down. Coming back home from a trip always has this result on me. It's almost as if this place has an oppressive atmosphere, which isn't a surprise considering the general state of housekeeping. Joking aside, I guess it is another sign for me to get out.
It doesn't help that I have been fighting off episodes of stress induced nausea all day. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and ill prepared on so many levels that I'm afraid that the whole thing is going to collapse. With the past few months, my confidence about work is shot so everything feels like it could be the last nail in the coffin. Beyond that, I still feel like I have to walk-on eggshells at home or risk stirring up another drama attack. It's become even more of an issue now that I plan to move out and have to keep it under wraps until things are more certain. I feel like I am having to be someone that I am not -- 24 hours of the day. That sort of falsehood becomes very wearing over time.
It may be pyschosomatic, but I am feeling somewhat better. It took me awhile for me to get the motivation to come home, but once I got a meal into me and took some of my meds, things started to clear up. Of course, I think watching Robin Williams go batshit on The Actors Studio helped. A little raucous laughter goes a long way to rectifying a shitty mood and help rebuild my ability to deal with reality. If I can get a good night's sleep, tomorrow might just be a decent day.