|At the Rubicon (updated)|
June 20, 2012
I am at a crossroads and I suddenly do not know what to do. Worse in my opinion, I really don't have anyone to talk it out with anymore - at least not directly. I feel as if I need some guidance, someone to listen and to help me evaluate what is going on.
I came into work tonight certain that I wanted out of the Cumberland area. It doesn't have much in the way of opportunity and far too many negative associations for me. Now, that I have told people at work, they are coming up with housing options for me to stay - almost as if they want me here. It is a feeling I am not accustomed to it and it has seriously confused the situation.
I don't know what I want or what to do. My mind is a confused muddle and this ridiculousness is seriously stressing me out. I can see benefits to both (or would that be all three?) options and none of them are clear cut winners over the other two. I am trying to balance the three of them but there are so many variables that it is making me dizzy.
I recently awoke from my midday siesta in a puddle of sweat from the 100° plus heat index and my guts clenched almost immediately. The confusion and stress I was feeling came back to hit me. A big part of the problem is the fact that people here are expressing their preferences. Least important is EP, who has expressed from the beginning that I should get a place of my own - but I really don't give a damn about impressing her. My therapist expressed thoughts similiar to JenBee's that it would be easy for me to go hermetic down south. There are also people at work that seem to want me to stick around. Then, my mom really wants me home because I have been a ghost for so long and to be honest, with her injured back, she needs the help because she can't trust my dad to get things done anymore.