June 27, 2012
It feels odd to be at work, knowing that this is my last night here. Not so long, I feared being trapped in Keyser and within a 120 hours I should be settling in down south. Whether I will continue to have a job is a point of supposition but over all, I know it will be better.
Still, it is an odd feeling to go along with so many others. While I have never considered the Spook House to be truly my home, it will still be odd to not live there any longer. It will also be odd to not regularly wander around this area on various errands and such. I feel as if I have barely scratched the surface of exploring it and that saddens me a bit. I never seem to get to know where I live as well as I might like. I will need to change that eventually.
Still, I can't guarantee that this move will make me happy but I certainly will be less sad and less stressed by banal trivialities. For too long, I have had people in my life who get worked up about the details and don't do a damned thing to correct them. It's made them sour their own lives and stain everyone else around them. Unfortunately, proximity has begun to make me the same way and it is time to reverse that change.
I have to admit that I have already noticed some changes and apparently some others have as well (Looking at you, Licientious). I am feeling better. My sense of humour seems to be making a resurgence and I am a bit more energetic & focused than I have been. However, as I am waking up, it is so much easier for me to remember the time, the things and most of all the people that I have lost on this diversion into insanity. There are times I am almost moved to tears by the grief and it becomes almost too easy to give into the shadows again. I haven't yet nor do I plan to at any point. Still, I have to acknowledge the loss and hope that I don't ever fuck things up so badly again. I was looking at the gates of heaven and then found myself in the bowels of hell because of my own weakness. Never again.