|Out in the fog|
July 13, 2012
Tonight would be a good night for me to write horror stories. It is far darker than usual, most likely from the rain storms that have been rolling through the area, and the air is heavy with moisture in the form of a fog that is rapidly growing more dense. I can easily see phantoms, ghouls, hobgoblins, vampires or zombies slithering out of the darkness to bring untold horror and suffering to their human victims. The peaceful chirp of the bugs and tree frogs easily replaced by screams of horror and pain as inhuman talons tore flesh from bone. What can I say, I am feeling rather creative and ghoulish tonight. It probably doesn't help that my mother's cats are slinking around like oddly shaped white phantoms just within reach of my peripheral vision. I am almost certain that my great grandmother will pay me a visit tonight as her spirit wanders her old home. It just feels like one of those nights when the veils between worlds are thin and visitors cross to see loved ones or stir up mayhem.
I am in a very different state of mind and it would be lovely to have someone to talk to here on the porch, my newest addition to my favorite places. I could see a long night of esoteric conversation ranging from the occult to the scientific, from religion to politics, the depth of the human condition and the limits of human compassion for good or ill. It would be lovely to have someone barely visible in the shadows across from me to play both devil's and angel's advocate depending on the subject. I want honest sharing and thought as well as good natured humor and respect for everything said. I want a companion, an equal, a partner in discovery and thought, a teacher and student in a situation where both give and take, teach and learn, and most of all care and respect. I truly miss that sort interaction because I never really had it at the Spook House on any front. She was always all too certain of things and ready to shoot down any idea that conflicted with her view of the world. She never had my respect because she never gave any of her own. I guess that's why she never really had a chance to ever win my heart -- even if there hadn't been anyone whose very thought had hold of it for the longest time. Of course now, I am just looking for someone who enjoys my company and I enjoy theirs -- nothing deeper, nothing more -- just a little friendship and companionship. Until I can take care of myself and look in the mirror again to see a good man worthy of respect, affection, and trust, I won't be ready for anything else. I have a ways to go yet.
I spent most of the day with my dad getting my updated driver's license. It actually took just a little over an hour so now I am set to go ahead with my other plans. We had a fairly decent time, although I do seem the opportunity for conflict. He's a bigger grouch than me about a lot of things, but at the same time, I won't take any unreasonable shit from anyone, including my father. So, it bears watching and may help determine how long I do stay here. Anyways, we had a nice lunch at a LongHorn Steak House, which basically consisted of a loaded baked potato, seared meat, and a lot of ice tea. It was a simple and unadulterated "manfood" type of meal and I very much appreciated it. Sides, I think have been jonesing for a serious dose red meat protein of late. Anyhoo, after we got back to the house mid-afternoon, I spent a while finally unloading the rest of the crap from car, resetting up the power cord lay-out in my room, and playing around with my 26" LCD TV, which I think just perfect for a bedroom. I was able to get it securely set-up, watched a little tube, and then spent some time with the parental units before they settled in for bed.
Now, once again, I am sitting here on the porch in the dark, kept company by two fuzzies, and listening to the rain as I write these words, which amount to my pitiful thoughts these days. I write that with a grin because no matter how much I lack right now, I one hundred times better off than I was just two weeks ago. I am not facing constant assaults against my sanity and my good nature. I don't have to fear that I am going to be driven over the edge to commit some heinous series of crimes that leave me only as a historical footnote of infamy. I have a chance now and even if that chance only amounts to me going to work tomorrow and having a massive coronary as I lift some massive piece of merchandise, I will know I at least moved on from the massive, harpy-infested rut that I was trapped in for so very long. In my eyes, I have already won a great battle, everything from this point forward is gravy. Course, it would be nice to have mashed potatoes to go along with the gravy as well as a good steak and some grilled bacon-wrapped asparagus.
Oddly, I have been dreaming a bit more of late. In fact, they kept me up half the night a few days ago. I was running the gamut of dreams enticing and disturbing. Had one that was something like the movie Aliens, except the Colonial Marines were fighting in a place that looked of ancient Roman or Greek architecture and were wearing camouflage suits that made them appear to be aliens. It was rather violent and horrific at parts. In the other extreme, I dreamed of kissing a curvaceous beauty from the pit of her back, up her spine to the nape of her neck, where I nuzzled under her dark, curly hair until I kissed her deeply and fully on the mouth. I am not sure which dream was the more unpleasant -- the gory horror or the damnably frustrating beauty. I have to go with the second, simply because there hasn't been anyone I could kiss that way that I wanted to kiss that way. EP certainly didn't qualify at any point of time and anyone that did -- there never was the opportunity.
Egads, my mind seems to be wandering to and fro tonight. Keep this up another page or two, I am likely to start jabbering away about politics or religion. Of course, if I had access to the internet, I could probably dig up a couple quotes that would sum up my disdain for both of those subjects. But, I don't have the internet at hand, so I might as well do it myself.
Any human construct that attempts to control human morality, behavior and belief beyond those points necessary for general safety and well being is strictly in it for it's own benefit and continued existence. Power and control for their own sake is not beneficial to anyone except those that have the power and control. They invariably seek to restrict and alienate some elements of the population by focusing on hot point items that have no real bearing on the general well-being of us all. It is easier to keep the sheep in line when they have an enemy to work against -- be it gays, minorities, pro-choicers, pro-lifers, the poor, the rich or the terrorists (just to name a few potential targets out of tens of thousands). Propaganda, jingoism and dogma are their tools used against those not willing to think, learn and evaluate the lessons of the world and life to produce an honorable and decent sent of ethics and morality.
Okay, now I am going off the deep end. I am flying about to the extremes and probably succeeding in alienating a bunch of people, which was not my intention. I guess that need for esoteric conversation pushed it's way out via my fingers to the keyboard. However, I will take it as a good sign that at least my brain is working to some degree if albeit in incomplete thoughts. That last paragraph could be taken as that I am some sort anarchist, which I am not. I think both government and organized religion have a place, just so long as they aren't used inappropriately. However, they tend to be used inappropriately quite frequently -- like a lot of things.
All right, I better stop gibbering on before I sink another foot down my throat. I think it is time to find a snack then my bed so I can get ready for my first night at the new Wally World. I am sure I will have a lot to do and a lot to learn.