|Two Weeks Down (Updated)|
April 14, 2013
Today makes two weeks since my last shift at Walmart. I wish I could say that this time was an unparalleled success and that Ma Asher has made an incredible recovery since her release from the hospital. However, I cannot for it would be a lie of monumental proportions because I am beginning to firmly believe that she has taken an opposite tack, slowly falling backwards each and every day. When she came home, she tried to move herself a great deal more, leading to a couple falls, but she was trying. We were able to get her out of bed more frequently and she would make attempts to use lavatory. Now, I am lucky to get her out of bed more than once a day and she has been wearing a Depend-style undergarment. She won't even try to use the bathroom now, and has had the home care nurses put a catheter in her to drain off the urine not withdrawn by her dialysis. When she does sit up, she almost immediately begins complaining about pain in her lower back and hip then wants to be returned to bed within a short period of time -- the longest she has stayed up in the past week was just over an hour. She even cut her dialysis short the other day because it was hurting her. She is doing less and less every day, spending most of her time abed sleeping or staring mindlessly at the TV (if even that).
I am losing hope for her recovery as she seems like before disinclined to work at her recovery. She is going to hurt regardless, but is only going to regain her strength and mobility if she works through the pain. However as last summer, she is unable or unwilling to do that and her belief that she is going to recover and walk again unaided is rapidly devolving into a delusion. I will likely end up taking the remainder of my weeks of Family Medical Leave and potentially end up taking a leave of absence from work, but unless she makes some dramatic changes in her actions and attitudes, I am afraid that it will amount to nothing, except delaying her return to a nursing home.
Sadly, I can draw some introspection from her actions. I see where my lack of drive, ambition, and dedication come from and while I cannot blame her entirely for my pathetic existence, I can certainly see some of the foundation it was built upon.
I have to admit that I am grateful that I am getting this opportunity. When she went into the ICU back in March, I was feeling extremely guilty about the fact that I hadn't visited her recently and my calls had been few & far between. I was afraid that I wouldn't get that last chance to let her know how much I love her, so I am quite thankful that I am getting the chance now. Still, I won't lie that I am not feeling frustrated by what is going on, but perhaps that is a bit of karmic payback on me. In my various episodes of mental instability, I have done a lot to hurt people very close and dear to me. My actions may have been irrational, ill-conceived or erratic in their execution but that doesn't excuse the fact that I still hurt people that I cared about. I guess sitting here, watching my mother dilly-dally around the things that she needs to be doing is a very minute comeuppance for my past sins. I am quite sure that I still owe a great deal in the liabilities column in those regards.
Like so many other days recently, I have sat out on the porch with my Kindle, my Nexus tablet,netbook, fountain pens and notebooks, but have done nothing with them save journal a tiny bit and muck about with Faceook and games. All I accomplished was kill time and attempt to not think about much of anything, which is thoroughly contrary to my over-thinking nature. I ended up cooking dinner and partly cleaning up the kitchen. Dinner was composed of pan-fried catfish filets (a first for me), baked potato and a mixed-green tossed salad. It came out quite well and left me feeling pretty good about the evening, even though I went back to mental slackatude.
I am damn frustrated with Ma Asher at the moment. An occupational therapist wants to come by tomorrow morning prior to Ma going for dialysis. Ma does not want to go to dialysis tomorrow as she feels it is too hard on her and that they are pulling far too much fluid off of her. It does not seem to matter to her that she is taking in about half the daily liquid requirement of a normal adult and that I think she is running borderline dehydrated as it is, concentrating all the waste even more in her system. So, she wants to call off from dialysis tomorrow or she will cancel the morning therapist's visit as she says she can't do both. So, she wants me talk to the therapist in the morning and cancel her visit...or she isn't going to dialysis. I turned it back on her by saying that if she wants to call off from dialysis, she has to call the dialysis center to cancel it and the ambulance. I disagree with her actions and I won't take responsibility for her missing a dialysis appointment by making that telephone call.
She's put me in a very uncomfortable place and I am really quite pissed about it. She doesn't want to do the things that she needs to do better, but to assuage her guilt and to distance herself from the decision, she wants me to do the dirty work. She is going to have to deal with it herself, because I refuse to play a role in her not taking care of herself. I do enough of that in my own case to take it up for anyone else.