|Day Two...Not so good.|
November 2, 2014
I am not sure whether this will get posted today. My internet connection is sucking pendulous baboon balls once again. Yet, I still want to get something down for this journal if only to reinforce the reintroduction of the habit into my daily routine. Whether I say anything of any importance is kind of secondary first. Like NaNoWriMo, quantity first then quality.
I slept miserably last night. I couldn't settle down until after 4 am and I really should have stayed at my writing instead of mucking around with other things. I could have gotten another 500 plus words easily if not closer to 1000. It would have been better than the nothing that I accomplished. Plus, it might have taken enough energy to put me in an exhausted, dreamless state rather than what I face. I tossed and turned as I try to flee the demons that presented themselves in my dreams, everything from conflict with people I care about to episodes of being belittled by random figures from my past. It was unsettling and I got little rest from the hours I spent in bed. I am sure that my sleep apnea played a role, which is motivating me to call the medical equipment supplier on Monday to see where it stands. I am tired of waking with headaches and dry mouth as well as other things. If I could get some decent rest, I am certain that my motivation would step up a notch and I might be able to get more done.
I am going to try to get out a few hundred words over the next couple of hours then run to town. I need to check my mail for a letter from the sleep center. I also thought I might pick up some KFC for dinner. I am not really interested in cooking tonight and I am hoping to use the extra time to get even further ahead in my writing.
Well, as is usual, the best laid plans of mice and men fall to wayside. As I was starting to get rolling on my writing earlier today, I paused on FaceBook to see what was going on with people other as well as take a look at some of those silly FaceBook games. Unfortunately, the innocent distraction turned to a far less than pleasant one as sad news came to me. Kory, a friend from my Baltimore days, passed away unexpectedly. He had been in the hospital recently for an illness and, well, his wife's words tell the story best.
Okay. Here's what I know about his death.
I had talked to him this morning and let him know that I was going to putter around before heading over to see him. That was around 8.
Apparently, he was chatting with the nurse about 10:00 this morning. She was changing his linens and giving him a bath and they were chatting. All of a sudden he stopped talking. She looked at him and asked if he was ok. He said he was having trouble breathing all of a sudden. She tried adjusting the bed to help him. Then he completely stopped. She hit the code light and called for the crash cart. Then she started cpr. Sometime after that they called me to get to the hospital.
They couldn't get him breathing again and without oxygen, they couldn't get his heart started. They even tried doing a trach. They even called up an anesthesiologist & an ent to try to establish an airway.
He was gone before I got there. The rest you already know.
All the staff on the floor truly tried to save him and they were all shaken by the suddenness. You can't fake that.
He did not die alone and there wasn't any neglect on the part of the hospital that I am aware of.
I have asked for a full autopsy. Memorial planning is contingent on when the body will be available.
I am very thankful for all the love, support, and offers of help. When I know more, I will let folks know.
The story raises ghosts of my mother's death. She'd been recovering and seemingly doing reasonably well. It was only after going down for a CT scan that she became unresponsive and went into cardiac arrest. What happened to her pretty much reads as what happened to my friend. It's left me a little distracted and unmotivated today. Kory and I had similar interests, gaming, writing and such. He had even created a gaming world for his play, much like I had. Except where mine sputtered and died, his continued to development and with his wife, he actually started a gaming company that produced materials for a lesser known gaming system that he had gotten the licensing for some time back. He used his world for the new material and while they weren't huge. They did have a following and they intended gaming conventions all over the country and he actually did a lot of public speaking about his ideas of world building and creative story telling at those events. To say that I am more than a little envious would be an understatement but at the same time, I know that I never did the work that he did to build his brand. Plus, he and I had a lot in common -- both half-trained aerospace engineers, had tons of debt to deal with, diabetes, and rather beer keg-like builds (although I must admit the description fit him better than it did me!). Unfortunately, because of circumstance and distance, I never got to be as close a friend as I would have liked with him. Like so many things, it certainly brings up oddly timed regrets that you can never right. However, it could simply prove to be something that I need to take as inspiration. I could succeed to some degree with my creative endeavors just as long as I put the effort into it.
However, the situation strikes me as odd for so many reasons. The timing is one. Today is the last day of The Day of the Dead as well as All Saints Day. The veil between worlds is at its thinnest and someone dies unexpectedly. It also seems that unexpected deaths typically occur to those that still have so much to do, while useless fucks just seem bumble along, taking up space and wasting resources. It just doesn't seem right on some many levels. For heaven's sake, he was damn well on his way to recovery. What could have done him in so quickly and unexpectedly? It just doesn't make sense, especially when a good man dies and so many bastards remain in the world.
As for my NaNoWrimo, I was only at 60% of the pace that I need to maintain to win by the end of the month. Honestly, I have to say I am happy to have gotten that much today. To say that I was unmotivated and mildly disinterested in writing doesn't even describe what I was feeling. The fact that I could double what I was doing over the summer still strikes me as an improvement. I haven't fallen too far to not win this year. I just need to kick ass a few days this week and I can catch up and then roll over the needed pace. It can't be that hard. Hell, this rambling piece of shit entry is almost 1300 words! I got this...I just need to remember that and not let my head get in the way of getting ideas down on paper. It is so damned easy to let your inner editor fuck shit up when you are flying along and just letting it flow.