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May 15, 2018
May 15, 2018

The weather has been hot here for the past two or three days. An entire flat of Evening Stocks was wiped out. I resowed, but can't understand why they collapsed the way they did.

Michael has been putting protective coating on the roof, for about 8 hours each day. He said last night that he thinks the job will require two more days, and showed me photos of what it looks like up there, since I can't get up on a ladder myself. He has also painted and put in trim in the entry way so that I don't even recognize it. I wish he would do this to the whole interior. It sure looks finished and attractive.

Garrett Jr. sent a text last Friday asking if he could come do laundry here. At first I thought that I would agree to this. But then I thought about my roof, and Michael doing the job all by himself. Then I thought about the health issues I have been facing, and still face, and I became indignant. I fired off a text asking him what he had done for me, reminding him that I am his elderly mother, and that responsible children often step in and help mom out with things like home repairs, extra financial help when mom lives in a precarious financial position, and see her to important medical appointments to monitor proper health care. I felt so angered when I admitted to myself these things.

He sent back increasingly angered and hostile texts. He ended by telling me that I was an ungrateful mother and that I have whored myself out for housing and conveniences, myself. The texting ended there. Later that night, I woke and felt that I was seeing with clarity for the first time in a long while. I realized that neither my sons nor I am bringing anything positive into each other's lives. Nothing. I texted Garrett Jr. an apology for attacking him. I added my revelation that nothing positive was coming from our contact, and that I felt it was time I left them be. I wished him every happiness and peace. No reply.

On Sunday, he sent a barrage of texts about how Daryl had laughed at him and said that he acted just like his mother. He said he asked over and over again what it was that he did that was like me, but Daryl wouldn't tell him. So he demanded from me to know what he does that is like me so that he can stop immediately.

Not once was there a "Happy Mother's Day" in all of that. I didn't respond to any of it. Henry didn't call either.

Daryl, for his part, sent a text quoting the things that Garrett Jr. said and texted to him. Then he called. I told him that the things Garrett Jr. said to him were unforgivable and that he had my approval to stop the insanity of continuing contact with such abuse. He said he was doing it for Garrett Sr., not me. He said Garrett Jr. fired him from helping him. He told Garrett Jr. that he was shooting himself in the foot, and Garrett Jr. fired back that what he was doing was protecting himself from AIDS. I would have walked away and never come back, at that. Done. Daryl said that he is done, except for the things he had promised Garrett Sr. he would do. He went on to recite the things that he, and everyone who has come into contact with my sons, has done in the name of "helping" them. I told him that I did not talk about my stuff with him, but that I could not strongly enough suggest that he attend some of the support group meetings, if only to check in with others and hear that he is not alone. I was surprised when he said that this might be a good idea. He added that he didn't know when he would find the time, then added, but it apparently doesn't matter that you can't find the time, you just do it anyway. I agreed, and then moved on to another topic so that I wasn't nagging.

I would say I feel sad about this ceasing of contact with my sons. It's a habitual thing to say, I guess. What I really feel is a sort of peace. I know in my heart as well as my mind that I have done everything a human being can do to try to help them.

I don't even feel angered that they choose to ignore the good things that I have done, and instead focus on my mistakes, and make up lies to go with it. Both sons contend that I have chosen Michael "over them". I cannot convince them that there doesn't have to be a choice of one, excluding another. I am powerless over their opinion, and also over reasoning with them that it is okay, aka normal, for people to have spouses as well as children, friends, and relatives. Garrett Jr. continues to home in on what he perceives to be the things that hit the target with me. He harps to this day about the fact that, when he was about 7 or 8 years old, and talking nastily to my mother, I gave him a nudge in the butt and said, "Stop sassing your grandmother". He contends that this is The Evidence that I was an abusive mother. I have apologized, and said that yes, I made a mistake in doing that, but he inevitably accuses me that I "connected with his genitals!" when I gave him the boot, and that this permanently ruined him for life.

I made a mistake when I did that. I'm also not going to go there any more about that. I have apologized for it every time he has blown up at me for approximately 30 years now. I have offered to go to counseling with him if he thought that would help. He has refused it. It's time for me to let that go.

I knew my sponsor was going to bring up Mother's Day when we met. Knew she was going to ask me what I could do for myself to celebrate. Soooooo I've been looking at my horrible little paperback collection of Jane Austen, sitting in a disreputable row on my bookshelf beside the bed. Have been wanting to reread her works, and have always wished for nice copies of an atmospheric era. Last week, when I had to cough up the dough for the roofing materials, I decided, why not? I entered into negotiations for a lovely set, and the seller and I came to an agreement, and I ordered them. The dealer let me know on Sunday that the books would be shipped first thing Monday morning. Why stint myself and what brings me happiness, knowing all the while that any money left when I die will go into a drug dealer's pockets? Can't wait to see the books and hold them!
(and read them!)

It looks like it is going to be another hot day. I left the Osmanthus Fragrans outdoors for the first time last night. So hoping that it will bloom! The buds on the Tabernaemontana Divaricata are just about bursting. I have been watching them since January when I first noticed them.

Some of the Pelargoniums that I ordered are doing all right, but a distressing number are faltering. I don't know what they want. I potted them in a soil that was much too heavy to begin with, and corrected that a couple of weeks back. Still they look unhappy. I asked my sister, and she curtly said, "less water". I tried less water, but then the leaves dried up even faster. I've tried less fertilizer, and no fertilizer. I don't know. Maybe I will put them out on the back porch and see what fresh air and sunshine does for them. But my other Pelargoniums have been so happy in here!

What I don't understand is why I am having such poor germination in my seed trays. I guess I just fondly remember the old days when I had the greenhouse and grow lights, and every seed germinated like little soldiers, and grew on steadily, transplanted regularly, until being planted out the second or third week of May. I'm not even close to planting out. The seedlings are just poking along, the ones that germinated, that is. They grow leggy in part shade, so I put them in a sunny spot, where they burn, but nothing is convincing them to haul up some new leaves. I ought to be grateful that they are coming along late, because I have had a paucity of flowers after July in this garden, just when everyone else's gardens are at their best. Whatever does get going, will bloom later when I need it. There is a fair amount of Godetia sprouted, both dwarf and tall varieties. Godetia was the first plant I grew from seed and bloomed, along with Schizanthus and Penstemon.

Waiting with some trepidation for the final plant order to arrive. The owner of the greenhouse called me to tell me that his plants were slow getting up to size, because of the horrible winter in his area. I've ordered a slightly alarming variety of plants, none of which seem to be easy to grow, although everything I have read says that the Heptacodium Miconioides should be all right here.

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