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June 12, 2018
June 12, 2018

The lack of sleep last week deteriorated my mental condition so that when I went for my yearly physical on Thursday, the appointment was mostly taken over by dealing with that instead. The primary care doctor was concerned that I begin taking medication to stabilize immediately, and that I get in to see the psych as soon as possible.

I dreaded telling Michael about the medication so much that I didn't do so until two days after I started taking it. He became enraged. Said that if I go back to the way I was before I went to the hospital last December, he was going to be pissed off. Ever since, he has been argumentative and claims I am not listening to him and says I am making everything difficult.

I beg to differ. The situations he is referring to are things like I was looking at house advertisements online, and asked him to join me. He shouted that all I have to do is find half a dozen houses I like and we can go see them. I answered that it is only reasonable that his practical eye can look at how much work a house is going to need, and expensive things like new roofs and the foundation, which I know nothing about. He continued yelling about this until I told him I could not deal with him when he was like that, and closed the bedroom door.

Yesterday he was still incensed. I asked him if he was planning to go to my medical follow up appointment. He said no. I said nothing and texted Daryl when I was getting ready to go. We made plans to meet at my Saturday meeting place. Michael's coldness to me was so marked that I did not kiss him goodbye when I left, just said goodbye.

Daryl was starving and had left his wallet at home, so I offered to buy him lunch at the meeting place. There was just time to eat and get to the doctor's office.

The doctor was not interested in talking about side effects or warning signs about the medication. He just insisted that in 40 years of prescribing it, he had only seen 1 case of toxicity. Well, when I took it before, I had toxicity. Hence the concern. He was just adamant that I needed to be taking it. There was never an answer about the things to watch for. He prescribed an extended-release form of the medication.

I thanked Daryl over and over for dropping what he was doing and helping me at short notice. I added that if Michael is still being uncooperative, I might ask him to go to the appointment with the attorney as well.

Stopped off at the hardware store and bought saucers that I should have bought last week when I bought the pots I was needing. Picked up the prescription at the pharmacy.

When I got home, I saw that the next-door neighbor was having one of her free sales. Found a quantity of shampoo and conditioner for Michael. He commented when I put it on the kitchen counter that he hardly ever uses conditioner. I said, well then I can take it back to the neighbor's. He accused me of being rude. I answered back another night like this, and he shouted, "I wonder why!" When I returned to the kitchen from putting my things away, he was gone. I decided to just go lie down, feeling unsteady and exhausted.

Read for a little while, then tried to play trivia, and after that tried to watch a movie. I was just too agitated and took my medication and slept. Woke up when Michael came in after 11:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.

This morning I faced the same. When I got up, Michael didn't say anything until I said good morning. Then he went out to the porch. I did a once-over of the indoor plants and then went out to join him. He did not discontinue reading the news and posts on his phone. I commented that it was a beautiful morning. He made a one-word reply, "Cold." I sat there for a while longer, and then went back inside. He came back in later and went back to bed.

I don't know what to do from here. I am sorry to say that Michael is inventing problems where there are none and using this as an excuse to drink. We got along just fine when I was having the trouble sleeping and I was feeling terribly off. I kept it to myself and Michael noticed nothing amiss. It was only when I told him that I had started taking the medication that he started acting angry and picking arguments, which I have refused to join in, one after the next. However, I am not going to go after him and beg him for forgiveness for an imaginary crime.

I am determined to keep my spirits up, regardless of Michael's nastiness and sulkiness. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Saturday there was a sudden devastating hailstorm just before I got back home. Every single plant in every single tray that I had started for the summer beds was killed outright. They were literally beaten to the ground, the stems and leaves battered off at the base. It was disheartening. Michael had gone outside and taken video of the storm. It never occurred to him to get my plants under cover. He didn't apologize, and he didn't even commiserate. I haven't said anything about that. Not going to sit around and whine, except to express my sadness here over the care I have given all the plants and what could have been.

Not much point in making the rounds outdoors. All of the plants in the garden also got beaten to the ground in the storm as well. This morning the sun is mocking me by shining. Like that matters now. I have my indoor garden, and will focus on that.

I also feel sad over the outburst from Garrett Jr., who called and screamed at me when he found out from Daryl that I wanted to send his birthday present. I finally just hung up. He followed up with a poisonous text. I answered that fine, his birthday present was not going to be given, and since he wanted to discontinue contact with me so badly, I was blocking him. I have said until now that I wanted to always leave the line of communication open for if he ever wanted help. But he just keeps sending me hate texts, instead, and there is nothing positive that comes from this. No happy birthday from him to me last week. Daryl did send me a photo of a card that Henry had gotten for me, with wrapping paper that had pictures of the birds that used to visit the feeders on our farm, and the card was signed "Love Henry". It mattered. A lot. Although I conjecture that Daryl took Henry to pick out the card and paid for it.

Want to do something nice for myself, to try to move beyond the sadness of the plants and Michael's unpleasantness, but can't decide what that would be.

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