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This Thing Called Life by Pansis
February 2017
7My Head Hurts
10Beautiful Boy
16New Look

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Beautiful Boy
February 10, 2017

So earlier in the week my son tells me he believes he's transgender.
He's gay, and came out to my husband and I when he was 10. I had no issue with that. Love who you love.

When he was a junior in high school, he wanted to dress like a girl. I put a stop to it because he was already bullied in school for being gay; and...if I'm being honest...I didn't want my son dressing like a girl.

Apparently all I did was make him suppress his true self. Or so he claims now.

He started wearing makeup and got his nails done.
He put extensions in his hair.
He bought a padded bra.

When he told me he's transgender, I told him I didn't believe him because this has never come up before.
He has a tendency to jump both feet first into something, and I believe that's what he's doing now.

I also told him I would find a gender-identity therapist for him to talk with. Someone who understands this issue better than me.
I found who I believe will be the perfect therapist, and he sees her this coming Monday.

But last night, he told me he made an appointment with a hormone replacement specialist.
He wants to start taking female hormones right away.

I'm NOT ok with any of this.
I have a SON. I've HAD a son for 19 years.

So much for me being open-minded I guess.

I cried last night when he told me about the doctor he's adamant on seeing.
Cried because I feel I'm losing my son.

If he truly is trans-gender, I want him to go all the way with this. I don't want him living in agony. I don't want him hating himself. Of course I don't want any of that.

I'm just not convinced he's truly trans.

He's impulsive. Like I said...both feet first.
He has a friend who is trans....female to male.
HE sees how settled this person is and wants the same for himself.

I assumed he would do a month or two of INTENSE therapy with this therapist to figure out if he's truly trans.
I was more than fine with that. MORE than fine.

I just believe he needs to have all the information. And I don't think he does.

If...IF...he truly has these feelings and IF he is truly trapped in a male body, then of COURSE he needs to be true to himself.
I just don't know that he is.

Some would say how COULD I know? I'm not him.
I know that.
But I also know him.

I'm not ready to lose my son.
I went through too much for him. He's my 'beautiful boy'
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