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This Thing Called Life by Pansis
May 2018
3What am I Doing?
9Stranger Meet
16Fantasy Realized....*edit*
17Doing My Best to......

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Fantasy Realized....*edit*
May 16, 2018

and it wasn't what I thought it would be.

BillBob set up a meet for me last night.
I had hesitations about going. I should have listened to myself, but I was so horny and so wanting to please him...I went.

Gary was a nice guy with his clothes on.
But they didn't stay on long.

He was rough and almost mean; I was definitely just there for his pleasure and to be used.

I thought it would be awesome, to be treated that way.

I thought wrong.

And now my question much did BillBob know?
Did he know exactly how I would be treated?
And if so, why did he send me there?

He knows I like it rougher.
Did he know how rough this guy would be?
How cold?

What the fuck am I doing?


So ever since this morning, I haven't been able to get *Him* out of my head.
All it took was hearing that one song...just ONE fucking song........

I even emailed him, believing it would be bounced back to me like the others.
It wasn't.
So what's with that?

Anyway....something occurred to me this morning as I was crying along to that song...

*He* grounded me.
Last year, after I moved back here, I didn't seek anyone.
I didn't go back to my old ways, I didn't search anyone out....plain and simple, I didn't fuck a bunch of guys, or ANYONE for that matter.

He was enough.
Even though he was nothing more than a voice on the phone.
Never met in person; never laid eyes on his beautiful eyes, never saw his smile in person.

Still...he was enough.
Because he said he loved me.
Not IN love with me, I got that...but loved me.

Fucking liar!

Because as soon as he found a flesh and blood lover, I was tossed aside like yesterday's trash.

What is it?
Why am I so fucking expendable?

Why do people lie to me about how they feel about me?

Do I put off that desperate of a vibe that people just want to make me feel better?


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