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Life's A Script. by Amanda22Jane
March 2018

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Great! We're In Sync With The Rest Of The World.
March 19, 2018

It's nearly ten p.m. here in NZL. Been reading Miss Winfrey's article in my monthly copy of Mindfood magazine.
I just love the woman's consistency and her beauty is incredibly enduring. Like her, I love Maya Angelou too and have read one of her books ; about her life. It's really comforting to know that there are astounding others in this life who go to extraordinary lengths to store up a treasure trove of wisdom in their lifetime and have the generous hearts to share it.
These may be perilous times, however, the wealth and riches of heart that the righteous possess is a powerful counterbalance.
I hate war and I hate to hate. An insidious feeling and spirit. Hate for the right reasons is different of course and it is a different non-consuming feeling. Righteous anger is different from sheer hatred and the thoughts/feelings associated with that.

One thing that I have wanted to write about and share yet have completely forgotten about many times to do so is this : the acute and deep fear and anxiety from my recent few years of living through a double ordeal has has the anger. I feel love gradually replacing the PTSD. Permanent love and peace has a place to reside. What a beautiful feeling it is to come out the other side. Just wonderful.

I love potatoes...and I grew two varieties this Summer season. I dug two kilos out of the ground last night and turned them all into thick cut fries cooked in Alpha One rice bran oil...oops...shit, they were amazing! Just pure, homegrown potatoes. One strain is an Agria cross hybrid and the other is a Maori potato, deep purple skin and intense yellow flesh. Both are a firm flesh and ideal for boiling, baking, roasting or frying. Going to harvest the remainder tomorrow and make potato cakes. I'll save some for fresh salmon fritters too.

Had a busy afternoon/evening of burying my nose in reading material : newspapers (both here and t the local library) magazines, and I have books to read myself to sleep. This morning I cooked and cooked, then did some handwashing and had a long, luxurious shower. I didn't turn the heat down because it really is cooling down fast. Autumn is nearly here.

I want to make plum jam (with fresh ginger and cinnamon quills) & chutney. Not sure what kind of chutney...probably a peach chutney. I'm liking a little champagne ham now and then and beef still goes down well. Also I make my own bread. Hate store bought. It's hard to have a consistent appetite with a large daily regime of meds.

Meds make me sometimes feel like I am living on borrowed time and I'm not doing myself any favours by swallowing wine and sucking on smokes some days. I'm now comfortable not needing to smoke every day, plus I get scared to keep smoking.

Part of me wants to carry on living - a very big part of me - and another part of me doesn't. I just want to curl up in a ball under the blankets and stay there until rigor mortis sets in. I get tired of living sometimes, but hey...I'm still here, so I might as well carry on...keep on foot in front of the other...

My clinician (D&A) texted me this morning to cancel. I was scheduled to see her today. Haven't seen her for a month. Wednesday it is now & if she cancels again, I'll refuse the cancellation. I need to see her. It has been a month...too long...but a good break from therapy.

And good night. Po mari e. Buona notte.
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