October 30, 2018
tuesday evening is often the time when i really start looking forward to getting paid my weekly benefit. it goes into my account usually around five a.m. wednesday. the time right now is 23:25 p.m. tuesday evening.
i've eaten well today. simple raw muesli this morning with caramelised fresh strawberries and a simple garbanzo bean salad with shaved ham for dinner. i've had my meds and am feeling the sedative effect of one already.
i was so pleased that i got some artwork processes finished today.
i've finally figured out that a facet of my disaster thinking is really fatalistic visualizations. it really is quite a disturbing state to live with on an almost daily basis. nowadays, the process has slowed down and is barely there on some days and on other days it can be constant and strong. i have felt almost overwhelmed with fatalistic thinking and visuals today concerning my little family.
it's a really intense mess that i get myself into on my own at times.
i haven't drunk since last wednesday. while drinking last week, i cut my wrists...scratches. police came. took razorblades and knife plus the last bottle of wine i had on the table. gosh i am so scared that i am going to end up in court again because of some alcohol-related botch-up. i really really really really really NEED. TO. STOP. DRINKING...N.O.W...!
this is such a complicated mess. i'm actually really scared to go into residential rehab too. it can be really tough and i'm not in my thirties nemore, and i may lose my rental unit if i do go to residential rehab.
and what about my cats?!? i cannot afford to do anything to jeopardise losing my two darlings. i'd be heartbroken.
the pain that i'm in is just about doing my head in, and it is not very strong just constant all day & night.
i need to use my exercise program.
i am doing the best i can.
further personal research on chronic fatigue syndrome does state that exercise plus some natural supplements does help some, which is great! the sciatica is a real challenge to live with. a big mountain to climb every day.
ocassionally i catch myself wondering if i have come here to this residential complex to die. this just may well be the case if i do not get off the bloody booze and smokes. my health and life depend on this decision that i have to make for me and for my future.
i missed my appointment today with c.a.d.s. thought it was tomorrow. i hope for the courage to make another appointment. i'll do a walk-in at the office tomorrow.
i need to buy a new knife too. it's for cutting my veggies and not my wrists. i use razors for that. cops cleaned me out of self-harming implements. a very very very good thing.
been a good day and a pretty rough 'n' tough one in places, yet a good day nonetheless.
it's a few minutes before midnight so i will end here.
well there will drama in the skies before this day is over and that drama is going to pelt down all over us.
God's world, God's way, i always say...
...imagine if every adult on earth, who wanted one, had a powerful weather remote similar to a television or stereo etc remote., and USED THEIR REMOTE to adjust the weather in their "corner" of the worldingaccording to their own personal comfort or entertainment or meditative or whatever needs????....it would be Bruce Almighty with a BOOM!
...(kiss this planet goodbye.)...
woke late today. i took my sedative after midnight and was asleep before two a.m. it's tuesday, 13:17 p.m. ANZT. i have my first meal of the day soaking : raw rolled oats flooded with lactose free full cream milk, in fridge. i will prepare caramelised fresh strawberries to fold through the oats and eat with much culinary pleasure, for i am s-t-a-r-ving.
...The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, more affectionately described by this humble writer as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are in the country at the moment doing a humble, low-key tour. Meghan is so cute with her baby shape. i don't don't like contemporary buzzword use. baby shape...that'll do. they look so happy and are such a down-to-earth couple. it's a great privilege to have them here. there is an itinerary online if anyone is interested...Google search...be my guest...y'all have a pair of hands. mine are tired and i do not know how to post a link ANYPLACE online (i know shame on me.)
finally there is less fatigue in my body today but i do have a low level headache which probably will be here all day. i walked a different route to the supermarket with my sciatica hurting every step i took. it is still alive and well and stronger in pain level today. my back pain has subsided phenomenally. i cope with pain sometimes by ignoring it or switching off to it.
...fucken pole rammer. the ground is shaking. maybe i should sneak over tonight and put some sugar in the gas tank?? (i thank the Sweet Lord Jesus that this is an adult website because children sure do not need to read such evil antics as i get up to writing here.)
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