|1 Match = Explosion|
September 11, 2018
One little tiny action or event can trigger the biggest things in life I have learned. A comment, a purchase, a chance encounter, a dream, a decisionÖ all of them life-changers. I meet one person, I know of this person ( I have to say know of because I didnít know this person at all) for all of like 4 days, and my whole emotional well-being is topsy-turvy. I have my moments that is for sure, however I usually donít fall too far based on human interaction in a pixelized world. This time was different. This time that all too familiar feeling came over me and I had all I could do not to fall apart. That homing beacon flashing on my forehead again, beckoning every crazy psychopath my way. ďThere she is .. itís THAT GIRLĒ all over again. Thankfully I have come to surround myself with people who if they donít know are still very understanding and the few that do know hold me together like glue. For the most part I think I deal pretty good but I always slip back, I always stumble down the stairs backwards a few steps,,, regression seems to be a natural part of my process. I only let myself get so far and then itís a brick wall to the face and I feel like I have lost ground and need to start over once more. A few things have been bothering me as of late. 1. I usually am kept informed even if vaguely of certain peoples whereabouts, that has been impossible as of late and it leaves me a little un-hinged. 2. Target on my back. No matter who I morph into in my virtual world, whether Iím the flower on the wall in the back (been there done that for 3.5 years) or Iím Ms. Personality it seems I am always targeted. The creepiest lowliest of people find their way into my lives, and though I know better to trust they always seem to inch in further and further until their true colors show, It usually takes a few weeks before I run for the hills. This time it took days. I am famous for telling my friends to be careful what you put out there, because that is what you will attract. So what am I doing to attract all the psychopaths? I am either the worlds unluckiest person, or thereís a target somewhere. At any rate it leads me to believe that I may not be as outwardly secure as I think I am projecting. Truth be told I am wildly insecure, scared of the world and the people in it. You would never think that would be the case if you knew Molly. Confident and secure, sure of herself, the center of attention even though mostly that is unwanted. But thatís all make believe in a pixelated world. Free to hide behind a screen the real version of yourself. In short, there is my freedom. Freedom to be who I was, who I should be now, but rewired by the world, and unable to be.