|Do it trembling if you must, but do it!!!|
March 10, 2004
Oh, does that apply to me or what? I got married shaking like a leaf in a gale...I recall the minister teasing me about it when it came time for the rings...Cheri held on to my long trailing LadyGreensleeves sleeve and to this day she remembers how I trembled through the whole ceremony! (Is that why I cannot recall one single word or oath of the whole ceremony?? Heehee.)
That incredible, unforgettable, life-changing moment when Himself placed his hand around my ankle and slowly closed it in his grasp...that fine, dead-give-away trembling overtook me and flew right up his fingertips straight into his eyes.
Standing in the doorway of my parents' house, one foot on the entryway, the other on the risers...staring into my father's eyes, Himself standing just to my right, one hand clenching mine firmly...brooking no arguement...black velvet cold night just beyond the light spilling from the wide double doors...I shook so I had trouble stepping into the old night and new life I knew was awaiting!
Feeling that first astonishing, astounding deep fierce tug way down in my belly...actually accepting the reality of getting a baby onto this earth...an enormous rush of emotion, excitement, terror...overcome yet again.
Oh, this is a terribly long list...it takes me aback a little bit, to see, yet again, how many times I've shook with fear, uncertainity, excitement, joy, exhilaration, shock...and took a deep, deep breath...and did it.
I think I'm facing the ReallyBigEvent, I mean, the truly, really, earth-shattering incident of my whole life in the next few days. Probably the most personal and closest to my heart incident, fraught with Threshold-Anxiety, as Granddaddy used to call it.
Fear of the Unknown.
Fear of taking a huge risk.
Fear of the details.
Fear of finally terminally ticking certain people off.
Fear of the economy.
Fear from lessons learned well, burned into memory and flesh, from the events of the past decade.
Fear of daring to disturb our universe.
Fear of getting what I want.
Fear of not getting what I want.
Fear of finally being incredibly happy.
And yet, I am so excited and happy...I can't tell if it's just the idea of another trip AND the possiblity of possibilities!!!