|Cleaning out my closet|
February 12, 2018
My name is Donel Butler. I am 21 years old. I am writing today to clean out my closet. Today, I was feeling bitter. HOlding on to some resentment in the past. Complaining about my life. Saying that I hated it... But truthfully, I was choosing to be miserable. I can honestly say, I have learned nothing from my past.
So I am starting this journal today to explain my case.
I guess this all started on November 10, 2015. I was on the grindr hook up app and I met my fiancÚ. He was quite interested in me. However, I had been very dishonest. You see.... I lied to him. Multiple times. I had told him that I was raped an on drugs. And the guy who raped me also took me into sex trafficking. I told him I used to do drugs. I was addicted at one point, which was not true. Honestly, I hadn't done a hard drug in my entire life. I have tried shrooms once with a girl I met at a mental hospital. that is a story for a later time. During our two year relationship I have lived in the past and took all of my frustration out on him. I was completely wrong for doing that. Then I told Our current pastor that same story. Eventually, I ended up telling the truth, I was just some teenage runaway. A spoiled brat who left because he couldn't have his way. SI have shoplifted from stores. Including good will to meet my needs. Even when I had a home and a shelter, I just had to have my own clothes so that I didn't need to worry about my parents stealing anything.
I spent a lot of time running away form my problems, It was quite cowardice. I even ran away from my mom once when she was at a library I frequented. Yep, I made bad choices that led me to that point at the time. Something I am ready to accept as an adult. Although, There is nothing I can really change about all of that. All I can do is learn from it.
So when you first meet someone, number one rule is....don't lie. Don't ever do it.
Also, I was thinking about leaving him today. I just get so high and mighty sometimes. Believing the lie I have told myself that I was some how more wise and more mature than the rest. But truthfully, I had no idea that being an adult meant more that just paying bills. it means, honoring your commitments and facing fears. Taking personal responsibility for the actions and inactions that you do. And that everything is not always someone else's fault. A lot of the time I had in this life I used to hurt people. Take away their power so I could feel so much powerful. I am not dying. I am not sick. But I am tired of running around in these circles I create. There is a way to move foreword. There is a way to stop all of this. And that is to take action.
An idea is just an idea until you put forth the action to do it. And truthfully, If we want to make progress in our lives, we have to make moves. Take chances. Be vulnerable. seek wisdom and not expect it to fall into our laps.
I have felt entitled to many things in this world. Getting complacent in my old ways. I wasn't very consistent you see. Always changing my mind every other week. I am lazy, overconfident, entitled. I am... Donel Butler
It's time to seek those things that aren't so permanent. Those things that ignite your soul.
I always thought I was this old soul. But truthfully, I was just young and dumb. And remaining ignorant because I thought that it would be cute. But ignorance is not cute. Motivation is just in attractive. If I really want to keep my man and myself happy, I just had to live a little. And enjoy life.
Forgive the past and keep moving forward. Be honest and direct... And live a simple uncomplicated life. These are all ideas like I said. But it was time to start taking action. And stop being so mean and inconsiderate. Basically, and simply, I wanted to stop being a jack ass
Relationships take effort. And they tend to show where your mind is at. Or rather, where it always has been. Enjoying the little things never seemed so important. I was so set on telling him and everyone else off, I don't think I ever took the time to listen. And just consider his feelings. Everything in life takes effort. Takes effort to have courage. It takes effort to stand up for yourself. It takes effort to get out of your comfort zone. It takes effort to challenge your thoughts.
Honestly, I have kind of been an entitled asshole. I am not all bad though. I am funny. Kind and sweet. But these expectations for myself to just pay bills and consider that a contribution to a relationship Is just juvenile. Everything will cost money. Everything does..... But what about happiness.... I have honestly never felt the feeling unless I was shopping or someone was giving me some attention. I expected too much pity. Rather than accepting that all actions have a consequence.
I ran away from home at age 17. I was a spoiled brat. Petty back then. Because my parents took the internet. But it wasn't for no reason. I had told my brother some disrespectful things about my mom over the internet. The information wasn't necessary. And truthfully it wasn't my business to tell. And honestly, Had I acted with some compassion, that situation wouldn't have happen. And if I had dealt with the consequences of my action, I wouldn't have been homeless.
You see, My choices directly correlated to my consequences. I kept saying I was going to do better. I was going to be better. I was going to be different. I was too busy blaming my relationship for the reason hat I had not succeeded in any of my goals. But Any real growth does not happen just like that. And life is no bed of roses. Instead, it is made up of all of you choices and decision. WE all just want to go back. Just try to fix something. But, I would do a lot better just accepting things the way that they are. In my head I keep thinking "Bullshit" But am I really believing that? OR am I just saying that to make an excuse. I mean, Why not me? Why can't I be personally responsible for my own behavior? Why can't I live a guilt free life? Why can't I move forward Have I really made progress? Or have I just disillusioned myself to believe I have all of the answers. Having rushed through the entire 21 years of life. I plan to learn from my mistakes this year. Start Journaling at least one a day.
Today, My fiancÚ says that he needs to talk about his future and ours. As I take my break, I just start talking to myself. About this and that. About how I plan on leaving and moving forward without him. But you see, I never really gave him a chance to talk. That thing about history repeating it's self is very very true. I will keep an open mind to the conversation and give him my respect and attention. I am a little apprehensive. Will this be the day that he finally is fed up with my bullshit? Or will this be another conversation..... HE is 26 years old and he has been through hell and back. And I had plenty of chances to prove myself to him. I accept that now as an adult. I will have an open mind from now on and just try to act more mature.
I brought a lot of stress on the day today. Everything is not my fault. like the weather, I have no control over it. I do however, have control over how I react to it.
I learned today that I was putting financial gain and stability over relationships with people. I will focus more on my relationships with people more...
I don't honestly think that I have ever worked hard to change. It's not an option anymore to runaway. Or go back to lying. No matter how uncomfortable life feels.
But these constant feeling of discontentment.....