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Starting CBT by Heartburn
October 2018

Starting the Journal
October 9, 2018

Today, we went to Brain's cognitive screening, so I'm hoping she will be in preschool soon. That would take a lot of stress off of my plate. It is so hard being everything for her. She even said," Mommy, you can go back to being just a mother and not my teacher." I was like, "YAASSSS." Teaching is definitely not for me, at least not full time. I love watching her learn and teaching her new things, but with work and the boutique and house stuff and puppies, it is just TOO MUCH.

After the screening, we had to go to the therapist for my......3rd session, I think. We talked about "should" statements and how they are a real problem for me. I direct them out at people instead of at myself most of the time. Internally I am thinking things like:

"He SHOULD be doing it this way." or
"She SHOULD have cleaned her room."

It usually pisses me off because things never go as I expect them to go, and these "should" statements just make me even worse because my mind goes over and over them. This repetitive thinking makes me even more mad because I don't understand why others can't do things the way I expect them to.

So, my job this week is to learn to recognize when I am saying "should" and "would" and any other verb tense that refers to the past or to the future. Dr. Nut told me to focus on the present and what I can change about it. He said most anxiety is about losing control and that's what our brains are afraid of. So, to take back the control, we need to live in the present as much as possible. The future does not exist, and will not ever exist. The past is gone and cannot be changed. We can only control what we are doing in the present to either keep from repeating the past or make the future what we want it to be.

So it went pretty good. I'm not feeling like I'm that good at it yet, but he said that was okay too. We talked about my inability to push through hardship because everything academically has always come so easily. I forget what exactly he called it, nurture shock maybe? Essentially, it is when people are used to breezing through things and being rewarded for that, and when something hard comes up, we just think we are bad at it because we don't get it immediately. Everything takes practice, and that's something that I am not used to doing. I go through so many different activities (painting, yoga, knitting) because I don't get it immediately and so I give up. I'm definitely working on how to avoid that. I just need to be able to remember all of these sessions with Dr. Nut.

After the session, me and Brain went to get ice cream to celebrate her screening. We came home and let the puppies out. We are pet sitting our neighbor's puppy when she has to work. We also have our little Pomeranian, she is tiny (about 4 pounds). They have fun all day, and I get to make myself feel better by cuddling with puppies!

I am really, really trying to focus on my emotions. I did really good today except for one time a few minutes ago when I got really frustrated because Brain wasn't listening and everyone was talking and I just snapped and yelled to get her attention. So that made me feel bad. And I immediately knew that what I did was wrong. However, I need to start realizing these things BEFORE I do them.

Okay side note. I've been doing some bookkeeping work on the side. That is literally my full time job. I am very good at it. And this girl wants to come at me with all these questions. Her bookkeeper has been doing books for 30 years with construction companies, all in Quickbooks. Biotch, I have a degree in accounting. I am certified in both Quickbooks in Xero. I am constantly continuing my education by reading, attending webinars and workshops, etc. Like, don't be coming at me thinking you are better because you are older. I do things in a different way because I know all the new processes and more efficient ways of doing things. But, you can't change the way people think. I just have to tell myself that they are not my problem. I am not their bookkeeper, I have my own job. I have a job where I am appreciated by dozens of clients every day. I am appreciated by my bosses and my family, and that is literally all the matters. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I've really got to get that through my head that literally nobody matters.It is just SO hard to do that. I get so stressed out based on what I think others think about me. How messed up is that? They may not even be thinking what I think they are thinking, but it still stresses me out.

Okay, I am done journaling for the night! More tomorrow.
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