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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
October 2020

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This Is So Hard.
October 3, 2020

Well, I went for that long 7 or 8 kilometer walk late this morning. Just about kills me this walk. Maybe it's longer, I have no idea still. All I do know is that it's definitely not 6&1.75 kms. For the last kilometre or so, I met a friend who talked/walked with me. It was a great walk, and the warmer Springtime weather is here, and heat is returning to the sun.

As soon as I got in the door, the fatigue literally drained me and the pain was just awful. It's not the intensity so much as the recurrence. The constant coming back is mentally debilitating.

I was struggling in my head, on this walk too, and it got so bad that I wanted to turn around go home and just give up on everything.

Now the constant hunger has set in.
I'm on the verge of tears daily.

The one good thing that came out of my "marathon" exercise walk today ; required no emotional, physical or mental energy was that I lay down to rest and instantly dropped off to sleep.

I didn't have any sushi supper last night, so I cooked the salmon in a pan today and ate it cold with soy sauce.

I fried the last three rounds of flatbread dough and I'll eat 2 today.
Need milk, so I have got to get out of bed and go to the supermarket.

Pain has subsided after my nap. (2&1/2 hrs.)

I wish the Lord God Almighty would give me a hand here and resurrect all my abusers and perpetrators so I could kill each and every one of the lousy fuckers ALL. OVER. AGAIN. They truly have fucked me over. I hate them all. Pack of mother****ing C**TS. I am too beautiful for hate now, but can I at least just hate these fuckers for the rest of my life. (That's not a question.)

I am grateful for my beautiful fur people, my cosy tiny home, and my cosier, comfy bed. I'm grateful for Springtime in New Zealand, and for 12~step meetings.

17:25 on a gorgeous Saturday evening. I did laundry today. Still need to vacuum. One of my neighbours (the few decent and nice ones here), has got her friend to make me one of these little guys in the photo below. He'll be here Wednesday. That's very precious of her to get one made for me. I'll always treasure him.
Here's Little Guy. He's so sweet!

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