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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
October 2020

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I'm Hungry.
October 7, 2020

Feeling really uncomfortable with less food in me. A difficult feeling to tolerate yet I'm doing it. It's not an unfamiliar place for me hunger. I'm working hard every day in other areas of my life and a big part of that hard work is focussing on my feelings around food. Going hungry stems from childhood and I'm acknowledging that hunger. I need to get to a place where JUST the adult in me is carrying the whole burden of hunger. Never the child. And so that selfsame concept is needed in all other areas of my life.

Never before have I appreciated the experienced footsteps of soldiers.
My greatest regret in life, is that I didn't become a practising soldier in the formal military. I had a baby instead.
However, there is nothing stopping me from practicing the military art of strategy on myself in order to win this battle of recovery. I have a lot of shit to get through.
I don't give a fuck if I am once again misunderstood. I know what I'm talking about. I find it incredibly inspiring, that soldiers have gone to any lengths while being wounded themselves, to save their comrades from certain death.
This is exactly what I need in my life, and I've started.

I walked 3 times around the block because I couldn't catch little Dekkie princess to put her inside and she started following me, and then attempted to cross a busy road, so I had to change plans immediately. Instead she walked with me around the block 3 times. It's a very familiar area for her. I am glad and very relieved that she is mostly timid of vehicles but is terrified of semi~trailers and milk tankers. Smaller trucks she doesn't mind so much and keeps well away from them.

Walking has opened up a whole new world and life for me. I definitely am on my way to running again. I need to start weight training up again too. A modified version. My home program of floor exercises hasn't commenced either. Working my entire body is now becoming a fulltime daily occupation if I am to recover. Healing is paramount. Not most days. Every day.
It feels wonderful inside me now. There is still much pain and shit to deal with and heal.
And I repeat. The blessings and sunlight of healing I can feel and appreciate. My heart is filled with gratitude as I write.
Soldiers suffer lifelong injuries. Soldiers can heal.

And you two men who were working with me secretly 6and1/2 years ago?? Even though I never formally met you? The gratitude has finally arrived. I'm sure you were injured too. Please forgive my great anger towards you. I couldn't have done it without you both. I hope life has been good to you. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Believe me when I say this. I would. I forgive you both. Please forgive me.

Signing off from New Zealand. @23:50.

Another day clean and sober.

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