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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
October 2020

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I Lied.
October 12, 2020

I never let myself go hungry at all over the weekend. I kept my tummy full at all times. And now I'm crying because I lied and because I'm going hungry today. My life depends on my losing a lot of weight. I can no longer tolerate obesity well in any degree. It really is damaging my psyche. A lot. Every day. I hate showering because I have to be naked. I can't bear the sight of myself naked. This is nothing to get off on. I'm being adult and open about this. Something has to change again. I'm not doing something quite right.
And when I go hungry, I'm left with the emotional sounding, (fuck it all).

I don't feel sorry for myself. I just am hurting and feeling pretty deflated about how this weight loss shit is all going.

No walk today. I have been moving while working for over 10 hours. I'm cleaning our seniors' lounge. Got until Wednesday morning to finish it ~ wait a minute, no I haven't. I've got until tomorrow night (Tuesday.) It's been hard going : hour 9 and 10. But I felt so good about this project and it's been a blessed day.

Was pretty shot by the time I got in the shower.

Breakfast was at lunchtime. Four Weetbix and a tablespoon of brown sugar, 2 peach halves and Calcitrim milk.
Dinner took a bit of doing as I was in a lot of pain by the time I got home at 20:00 p.m. tonight.
I fed the cats first as they were pretty hungry.
(Poor darlings having to wait longer for their dinner.)

I made a four vegetable raw salad with a sweet apple cider vinegar and evoo dressing. Mixed up a brown lentil fritter batter and cooked three large patties. I made a mistake on the lamb steaks. They're boneless leg steaks, not shoulder chops. Very grateful to have lamb occasionally. It's very expensive for me to buy. And I well~cooked beans and broccoli in salted water.
So the lentil fritters were my comfort food tonight.
I'm still hungry.
I had a mug of dandelion and milkthistle tea. Strong.

I have gone off fresh South Island, N.Z. salmon as I can't tolerate the oil/fat content anymore. I still need to have this fish once a fortnight. Omega~3 rich. I'm eating more fish now which is excellent.
Once a month I will have lamb leg steaks. Lamb is not the little baby lambs. It comes from sheep but I don't know how old they are. I grew up eating mutton. We never ate lamb or veal. (I'm pretty much against eating veal.) We ate some pretty gross things. E.g. sheep's heart, ox tongue, tripe (vomitous material tripe), and I hated lambsfry. I love it now. Ever tried mountain oysters?? Not me. Never.

23:19. I guess I'll just have to cry myself to sleep. You can feel sorry for me, but I'm not going to.

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