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Total Exertion. by Amanda22Jane
October 2020

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A Very Blessed Day.
October 25, 2020

A very different Sabbath this week. I finally got my shed work done. Took hours. I. WENT. THROUGH. ABSOLUTELY. EVERYTHING.
I worked slowly like the "Lounge Project" but it was very, very hard going because not only was my body under duress but my mind was too. Did some work on the pathology of hoarding excess. Easier (but not by much), to let things go. Paring back what I have is hard, hard work. I prayed and got angry, and wept but kept going. Less shit to hold onto in my head. I'm healing more. Life's getting better incrementally.
I find it so hard to let go of stuff.
It's gruelling work. Mostly everything is sorted now bar my fabric, art and crafts stuff which I have in a tidy pile inside and will keep working on it. It was worth it.
I think I used the equivalent of walking "The Marathon" twice. Not much pain left now that I've been resting for two hours, except for a cleansing, hot shower. I feel good. Like I've accomplished something that needed to be done for years. I've been this way with my possessions all my adult life when I left home again with my baby girl at 22. Except for an interim time of 6 weeks between moving out of my home city to move to a University city, I've never gone back home to live. I want to go home now. I'm ready to. 35 years has gone past. I'm going home next year. I don't know how I am going to do this but I am going home. The sea is calling me and I miss it terribly. So very much. 35 years gone...

Just the small of my back is aching. The agony in across my shoulders, quads, and arms has gone. Nerve pain in my knees too. It's such a wierd pain, nerve pain. I kind of like it.
It really is worse than doing a strenuous long workout, moving and working hard with fibromyalgia and M.E. but it's not impossible. It really isn't. What I try to do now, is roll with it and take a break from the heavy lifting of boxes etc, and do lighter work for a break. I could have lain down several times but towards the end heavy rain clouds were moving to the side. I couldn't stop in case it started raining but it didn't. So very grateful for that.
I cannot work quickly, vigorously and use multi~tasking systems anymore. I work very slowly and methodically. It's hard enough, incredibly strenuous work doing that much. But it is possible to work and keep moving. A lot of constant pain involved but I don't care now. Not worth getting scared, worried and anxious about.

The work will carry on throughout this week.

Our village has its fortnightly afternoon tea party this Wednesday. I'm making meringues. Just plain ones served warm with whipped cream.

I am painting our posterboard tomorrow, as well as resting and sleeping too. Much needed. I unearthed my two paintings that I was given quite a few years back. They have been worked on wood using a heated rod or wire to draw the outlines with and then painted over. I just love them. Will hang them up tomorrow.

I found Sandy's new red harness too. My sister gave it to me.

It's time for me to declutter. The only thing that I don't want now in the shed is all my newspapers. They're carefully folded and stacked neatly into my hospital brown paper Patient Property bags.
That's not quite right. A huge part of me still wants them but that's not recovery oriented, I don't think. No, it's not. They have to go. Soon...

Once I've finished all my fabric, art/craft stuff, that's going back out to the shed.

Haven't eaten much. Not suffering badly anymore from hunger. If it gets too bad, I simply eat.

I wish I could afford massages once a week. When I quit smoking, that will be a great idea to invest my money in. Massage. That's gotta be good for fibromyalgia.

Eating mindfully regularly now. Not always but at least for most meals. No more 5~10 minutes. Except today. I ate fairly quickly because I was so busy.

Ow,ow,ow! My thigh pain is back.
I'm going to sleep...😴💖👍.

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