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Transmogrification by MsMagenta
 
December 2020
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End of Month 3 and Week 13
December 22, 2020

Checking in with the updates…
I was officially 3 months post-op yesterday.
Total pounds lost in one week (end of week 13): 2.1
Total inches lost so far: 35.75
Total pounds lost since surgery: 44.1
Total pounds lost since I started the process with my doctor: 54.3

The bites and tastes are still a problem for me. Already today I’ve had half a cookie and I KNOW BETTER than to start my day that way. I have to laugh at what I just typed because HALF A FUCKING COOKIE is not that big of a deal in and of itself… I don’t mean to sound like some supermodel who is stressed out that she ate 2 pieces of lettuce instead of one. That’s not where I’m going at all. The problem is… sugar is a trigger for me. I eat one bite (or half a cookie, in this case) and if I don’t watch it, I’m on a bad track for the rest of the day. Once I have a little I want more and more and more… which leads to more bites and tastes all day long. So… I’m working on it. And CLEARLY I’m still struggling with this part of things. Especially around the holidays with all the millions of goodies we have around the house.

Mindfulness. That’s an area where I need to improve. I grabbed that half a cookie without even thinking much about it and popped it right in my mouth like nothing. I wonder… had I stopped and really THOUGHT about what I was doing before I ate it… maybe I wouldn’t have made that choice. I would have waited till I could have my Greek yogurt with blueberries (protein and fresh fruit) and I wouldn’t have wasted about 70 calories or valuable stomach space on something with ZERO nutritional value and something that wouldn’t start me on that craving pattern. UGH! It’s so tough squashing old habits. But that’s what this honeymoon phase is for… I’m learning how to eat differently. And… right now I’m struggling. I have to keep reminding myself not to get discouraged or beat myself up. All good lessons to be learning… not just about food but about self-care in general. Mindfulness and being kinder to myself. I’m FIFTY. You’d think I would have figured this out by now Laughing

On the flip side, I have to at least acknowledge the stuff I am doing right. Last night since my son is home for Christmas, my mother in law made her famous tacos for dinner. They are heavenly. When she makes them it’s a pretty big event. Before surgery I could eat at least 2 tacos. They are large and very rich. So while 2 tacos may not seem excessive by normal taco standards, hers are made with full size flour tortillas (10 inch) and they’re stuffed with meat and cheese and fried! So we’re not talking 2 small Taco Bell tacos. Then you add the lettuce, more cheese, guacamole and her refried beans and rice (both homemade) Surprised So last night I was trying to figure out how I was going to do this without killing myself. She ended up making smaller tacos because she was only able to find soft taco size tortillas (about 6 inches I think) and so I had HALF of one taco, a tiny bit of avocado, no extra cheese, a tiny squeeze of sour cream and about 2 tbsp of refried beans… and I was FULL!! I find myself getting bummed out when stuff is tasting so good but I know I have to stop eating Laughing. But it’s so amazing to me how little it takes to satisfy me now. And how little I actually need to fuel my body to healthy levels. NO WONDER I was (am) overweight! Laughing I’ve been eating enough for 4 people!! Again – not beating myself up… I was actually pretty pleased with myself that I stopped eating when I was satisfied. Yes, I probably could have eaten the whole taco but I would have been very uncomfortable afterwards, if not sick. But prior to surgery I would eat until I was absolutely stuffed, no matter how uncomfortable I was afterwards. So- there are some positives coming from all of this. I need to remind myself of this when I’m feeling bad about eating half a cookie in the morning Laughing I’m not a complete and total failure Laughing

Habits… that’s what I’m working on fixing right now. And I’m not perfect by any means… but I am learning and recognizing where I need to make some changes. Now… I just have to STAY AWAY from those cookies and peanut brittle and fudge and candied almonds and…and… and…

How am I feeling? This morning I’m exhausted. I went to bed late last night (watching Game of Thrones too late… I know better) and I had to get up very early to help my mother in law load the car. She’s heading to my brother in law’s house for Christmas out of town. So now I’m hoping I can squeeze in a short nap somewhere during the day. But other than that – I’m feeling good. No tummy issues or other complaints.

Mentally/emotionally – still good. I had a brief moment on Sunday evening where I was suddenly overwhelmed with anxiety. I was running some errands and rushing around and suddenly I was flooded with emotion and irritation and general anxiety. There was NOTHING that triggered it, it just kind of showed up. I ended up taking one of my (mild) anti-anxiety pills and within 20 minutes I was fine. I wouldn’t have even taken it if I wasn’t still out and running errands. But because it came on so suddenly and with no provocation (that I could figure out), I was a little leery about being out in public and not sure if my anxiety would escalate or take a drastic turn for the worse. So better safe than sorry… and I finished my errands without incident and life was back to normal when I got home. Weird. I talked to my psychiatrist about it yesterday on our video visit because it was such a strange thing that nothing provoked it and I couldn’t really figure out why it happened. She explained it PERFECTLY and I’m going to write it here because I want to be able to remember it:

Sometimes, when we have episodes of anxiety without an associated event or a direct trigger, it’s the body's way of letting us know that our reserves are low. So even the most mundane task or situation might spark anxiety. This is the body’s “low fuel” light. It’s just a simple signal that we need to take some time to refuel.

AH HA! It was my gas light going on letting me know I needed to get some gas before I run out. THAT made PERFECT sense to me because I had been running around all weekend and a lot on Sunday day getting things handled for the holidays and upcoming stuff. Once she articulated it like she did I felt SO MUCH BETTER. Anxiety makes me feel totally out of control because, even though it was a mild case of anxiety on Sunday, I never know how bad it’s going to get and that uncertainty makes it even scarier. And to not have a solid reason for feeling anxious just makes me even more anxious because it’s not NORMAL to be overwhelmed with anxiety for no reason… so I’m probably crazy and losing my mind right here in the grocery store parking lot… and that is a scary thought which makes my anxiety even worse Laughing It’s not funny by any means… but I laugh only because of how my brain works sometimes. ANYWAY – it was so nice to hear my doctor explain it in such a logical way. This is a tool I will hang on to when I’m freaking out for what appears to be no reason. There is a reason. My reserve is low. Time to find a gas station and refuel.

If I don’t check in during the Christmas Chaos, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! I hope to check in before then but who knows what the next few days will bring. Happy Holidays… however you celebrate.

 
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