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|Just a Touch Away|
December 19, 2020
This chapter was named after an absolutely beautiful Deep Purple song. Sorry for not writing anything for a while. Life had me busy.
My Pregnancy was continuing along fine. Doctors noted my kids were all eager to leave or very active. I had an expected due date and a back up date planned incase I was still pregnant by then. I mentioned a few entries ago that I took fitness very seriously. Well being pregnant made my butt really fat and I couldn't fit into many of my old pants, and my bras weren't quite fitting anymore. I was starting to put on what I thought was unnecessary fat. I wanted to work out, but my doctor said too much exertion wouldn't be good in my current state. At this point I was feeling contractions and such on occasion. I had been pregnant before, but I never got this far. It was getting too taxing for me to even go to the studio and record with my band. Castillo left after we got our first two albums we recorded rejected. Our Horn player was suffering from depression, and our second guitarist didn't want the stress of playing professionally
UMG was getting cold feet about us, and had rejected two albums we had done. One of which was pretty much completed. We needed to go to another label. So I needed a pretty far reaching stretch. During that year I had met drummer Marc Bell and asked him for advice since my Drummer had left and I wanted to fill the drums on the recordings myself. We talked for awhile before he left me some contact info to send over some demos, with drum machine fill ins for when I would actually record it. I finally did get around to doing it, but I asked him for a favor. I asked him for advice on how to get to another label. Eventually I took what he said to help me find another label. This one was independent. When I mentioned Marc's endorsement they got interest in what I had to offer and I was happily let into their roster of musicians. I was given a contract with a sizable advance and allowed me to record from home since I would have to watch my kids. The contract however said if I didn't supply them sufficient material by a set deadline I was to pay a fee. By the time we had arranged the contract, UMG had already dropped me. I had a new band put together of myself on Guitar and vocals, Umbriel on bass, Callisto on drums, Cosmo on keyboards and Stardust doing additional string and horn parts, as well as backing vocals. Main instrument she plays in the band is electric violin.
I spent another Christmas alone. It was something I had grown used to at that point. I vividly recall in the MHA TNG server everybody was obsessing over squares on Christmas Eve. My brother came by later that night for an hour. He had spent all day Christmas with his adoptive family. As things progressed my date was missed, leading to the induce date of January ninth being met. So I had the kids and Creaty while undercover told Nathan who had asked if they died and said such horrible things about them I refuse to say here. When I was out of the hospital and sent home, I heard what he said and something in me snapped. A moment of joy in my life was one of anger.
As the month progressed I decided to join Nathan's RP server undercover, since two people from MHA TNG I was friends with (Dragon and Creaty) were already doing that. However I got cold feet about doing it. I had created an alternate account and everything. I didn't want it to go to waste, but I had changed my mind and decided I didn't want to go through with it. So I vented about the place, and then claim to have been told by an anonymous tipster that Nathan had made someone kill themselves and felt no remorse. The months before they had faked Nick's death to see how Nathan would react after telling Nick to rot in hell thinking he was responsible for the spamming all Scarlett's alt accounts did that happened in November and December. I said this while he was asleep as to not arise suspicion. This made all of the users turn on him and start a group with us were we talked about all the bad shit he did and told them. They all joined MHA TNG and deleted all the messages talking about it in Nathan's server, which then lead to them continuing things there, but watching what he was doing and now noticing his control freak nature and what not. Two of the four people who joined us from Nathan's server left by the spring.
Though Nathan had started talking to me that month as if he said nothing wrong. The following month he started getting antagonistic. I told him that as long as he continues down the path he is on than nobody will ever like him. He then said me being like that is why he ghosted Creaty's undercover alt account, not knowing who it really was. Then I told him that everybody active in his server has been conspiring against him and joined our server. He denied it until I mentioned two of the users from there talking with me, and I called them by their usernames to him. Then he through tantrum and deleted that server and unfriended them all. I told him if he met with Dragon and tried to make amends then we could all be at peace. This raging battle that has lasted over year at this point. He said no, and I didn't know what to do. Everybody deserves another chance, and I thought there was hope for him yet. I made him join a Discord group with me and Dragon, which made him throw another tantrum. We invited the people formally of his server to ask him questions, but he left.
Things were progressing like normal, with two of the people from Nathan's server and one admin of ours leaving. While I owned our previous server I never made a fit or big deal about not being an admin. I decided it would be best to just toe the line. Besides, I had enough responsibility and with how little we would go on to have Drama by the time this Nathan situation was over, admin became a fancy title more than anything else.
As the year progressed I felt like I was growing distant from them. like I didn't fit in there anymore. I stayed because I still called them friends and I feel like they saw me as one. I went on to become close friends with two users, one I shall refer to as Flare and the other I will refer to as Moses. I grew to enjoy talking to them. Moses was someone who was in a situation not too different from my own. I'm glad he feels like he has purpose now. I helped talk him through hard times, and he even admitted to seeing my like an older sister he never had.
My band spent the year planning a few albums and recording them, but we stopped and got new ideas. All the ideas we had changed over time, which is why we still don't have an album out now. I added Creaty from the server into my lineup after she told me she plays bass. Making the band a sextet. She plays bass and does backing vocals. Umbriel has become an additional guitarist.
It was one day while I was in the bath and I was on my phone that I had discovered an alt account I sent a one off message to Nathan with months earlier that I got an idea. I used it to send a cryptic message. It was just for fun, and I did it in a way where discord wouldn't notify him. Though about a week later Dragon received a friend request from him, and told him to tell me to friend him. He said he wanted to make amends with everyone and join the roleplay in MHA TNG. While he didn't go out of his way to make amends to two people, at least not until like a month ago as of writing this. While he claimed to hold nothing against me, he still tried to instigate fights with me, and he would throw shade at me at most opportunities. Now he's cooled down on it, and only instigates with me every so often. I try not to let it get to me. Though now we are at a cold peace. Most of his post making up hatred seems to have subsided in some way. Though I imagine he still feels uneasy about me, same way I do him. I don't know if my manipulation of anything was right or wrong, but I still feel bad. I've controlled and steered so much, that if I actually left I feel things would stop with them, or at least have a radical shift. Though I could just be wishing I was important. in truth I feel distant, no matter how much I try to talk or how many strings I pull. I've considered leaving, but I don't want to leave behind friends I have made and known for years. They say a friend you've never seen, let alone know in real life, isn't a real friend, but I feel like we've reached beyond that in a way. A part of me refuses to give it up, but a part of me feels unwanted. I feel like since I had my kids my place has been diminished. Either they changed and I can't or I've changed and they don't see me as that person they knew.
Throughout the year I've seen the ups and downs of Parenthood. From one of them learning to walk, them learning to say Mama. Out of my triplets I have, Fabio, Tony, and Vinnie. Fabio was a name I liked, Tony was named after Tony Iommi, and Vinnie was named after Vinnie Vincent. Fabio is a real explorer and is adventurous. He does whatever he wants and is determined to let nothing stop him. Fabio likes to antagonize or mess with Tony. Tony prefers to do his own thing. I can just leave him in the living room with a few toys and he is occupied for awhile. Vinnie is a complete Mama's boy. He is fine on his own or with his brothers, but every time I leave the room he is in, he starts calling to me and trying to crawl around looking for me. He also hates it when somebody other than myself picks him up. Fabio can walk decently, but he falls often. Tony wants to walk because he sees Fabio do it, but he falls on his butt every time he stands up. Vinnie can crawl, but he seems to have no interest in walking. He wants to be in my arms at all times. It's hard for me to really deny him that, but If I keep coddling him than he may not learn to walk until much later. Most of my time is occupied with them. I like to grab my acoustic and sing them something. I don't have many original songs written for them, so I tend to just play something like Chicago or David Bowie on it for them. They all adore my music when I play for them. Vinnie likes to bang things to go alone with my singing, so I bought him a little toy drum with plastic drum sticks tied to it with rope. He loves playing that thing Reminds me of when they were in the womb and I kept feeling them kick. During that time I got a pair of headphones to put on my stomach and play music. They say playing Mozart is good for kids in the womb, but I didn't do that. When they were in the womb I played them Queen, Asia, Rush, Dio, David Bowie, Whitesnake, ELO, Beach Boys, The Beatles. Especially Asia, Queen and Beach Boys. I try to avoid listening to heavy or aggressive music with them. I don't know why, but having these kids always makes me think about what I do before I do it now.