|i treasure every gifty // Sending Christmas Cards|
December 6, 2002
i came home from work this afternoon 45 mins late cause Maureen was late. (i knew she would be, and said it was OK with me...she took her daughter to audition for a music program at a college an hour away)
When i got home, i had some lunch, then Barsky and i made "Daddy's" (H's) Christmas present. i'd ordered a "Pawprints" kit from a catalog. It's a nice shadow box frame, and comes with this modeling compound to use to take an impression of Barsky's pawprint. Then you add a photo, and mount it all in the shadow box. i thought it would be a nice gift. And Barsky, who normally doesn't like to have his feet messed with, didn't mind at all...even when i decided i didn't like the first print, and took a second one. After neatening up the edges, i had some compound left, so i made a quick (and not too great) impression of his foot again, and will turn that into a Christmas ornament.
L is going to his Mom's shortly to her church's Christmas program. This will leave me alone for most of the evening (assuming H doesn't come home early). My plan is to watch yesterday's episode of "Steven Spielberg Presents: Taken", which i missed in favor of CSI & ER.
While i'm watching that, followed by tonight's episode, i plan to write out Christmas cards.
i've been trying to think of something to get for L for Christmas, but haven't come up with a single thing. i don't think he expects anything, but in the past, i have sent him something. But i really don't know what to send him, and i hate to admit it, but i don't much feel like wracking my brain coming up with something. i did buy a nice romantic card, and that may have to do. If i'm lucky, he'll remember to send me an e-card, but i'm certainly not expecting anything else from him. i'm not complaining, there isn't really anything (in a material sense) that i want from him. (Well, i would like a pair of dreamcatcher earrings from The Spotted Pony, but knowing L, he'd as soon wait till i'm there, and let me pick out my own )
It's funny, with H i do expect him to buy me gifts, because for him, that's the way he shows affection/caring. He doesn't say it often, or show it in non-material ways. Money, to H, equals power/security, and spending it on someone else is the equivalent of his saying he cares. (or saying he's sorry when he f*cks up....like he did when he bought me the foodsaver! )
My father is much the same way, and it surprised me that H didn't recognize that at first. When we went to my godmother's for Christmas the year we were married, after Dad had refused to speak to us for over a year, he gave us a VCR (this was in 1981). H asked me if Dad was "trying to buy our forgiveness" or "buy us off".
It isn't like that with Dad, nor with H. Dad doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry", or "I'm proud of you" or "I love you"....so he buys things to say it for him. The thing is, he's also genuinely generous, and enjoys buying gifts...especially for my mom, but also for us (like the silly pink flamingo planters he sent us this summer).
H's generosity is less spontaneous than Dad's, but it's similar. So, i do expect "nice" (not necessarily expensive) gifts from H.
Not so with L...not only because his financial situation is different, but because he is different. He says "I love you", and prefers to demonstrate it...sexually, of course, but also in "practical" ways...like building my computer, and helping me keep it running. Long distance makes alot of those practical ways of caring less than practical, but that can't be helped, and doesn't change his nature. He thinks more in terms of "what can i DO to show i care", rather than "what thing can i give to show i care".
i admit that greedy, sentimental little me, does sometimes wish for a trinket of some kind...something i could see and hold and touch and know he loves me. i have the ring we both wear, of course...but you know, even a teddy bear to hug would be nice..... *rueful smile*
Ah well, he's gone off now, so i think i'll go dig out my Christmas cards and address book, and get started. Once they're done....i'll be ALL done for Christmas, except for the baking.
Before sitting down to write out the Christmas cards, i decided to phone my parents. This way, i won't have to do it tomorrow. i'm working tomorrrow afternoon, and this way, i can just come home from work and relax awhile before H gets home from his day at work.
i didn't expect the call to be that long...but i was on the phone for over an hour. By then, i was hungry and it was dinner time, so i made dinner while i caught up on last night's Taken.
i was just about to sit down and eat, when my brother phoned. He wanted me to know he'd gotten his gift certificate. (Mom and Dad kept telling me it hadn't come, and i had an email saying it had been shipped on 11/26, so i was getting concerned. It came before they got home from Italy).
Finally, around 8, i managed to sit down and work on the Christmas cards. H came home around 9:30, just as i was finishing up. Now they're all ready (all whopping 19 of them) for the mail.
H came home in a grumpy mood. Work isn't going so well at the moment, and i can see (and hear) the signs of stress, in what he says, and how he says it. i have a feeling there will be a major blow-up in the near future. i just feel it building in him. So, i'll walk on eggshells and avoid confrontations (more than i usually do) for the next few weeks. Of course, he'll also do all he can to push things to precipitate an "excuse" to blow up. There's not much i can do to prevent it, if he really wants to have a tantrum. The best i can do, is get the hell out of the line of fire when he finally blows, and try to minimize the fallout.
And i have to remember it's not me, and that there really isn't anything i can do....it's his stress, and his problem. i want to tell myself that i'm just overreacting, that i should give him the benefit of the doubt, and not anticipate the worst. What's that saying?? Forewarned is forearmed?? That's how i feel. i'd rather be ready, and not have him go berserk, than think everything will work out, and have him blindside me with one of his rages. So, i'm hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.
i'm also going to bed now.... g'night